Poorly Conceived Notions

ASK EDNA (8-8-08)

2008-08-08T18:32:00.003-04:00

Dear Miss Manners: My son is marrying, and his father and I are divorced. I now have a female life partner (for 10 years); he (son's father) has not remarried. What are the rules about where we are seated at the wedding and the reception/dinner?

Is your son marrying a dude? If not, the seating arrangements will be laid out by the bride while the groom is instructed to help but then gets glared at for every suggestion he makes. It's a time-honored tradition that you shouldn't mess with. If he is marrying a dude, then I'm not really sure how it works, but it still doesn't involve you. As long as you and your partner have figured out whose going to lead on the dance floor, your planning involvement is complete. Don't worry about your ex-husband's feelings, either. I'm guessing he will be too engaged in a drunken stupor, trying desperately to figure out where his life went wrong, to notice where he's been seated.

Dear Peggy Post: My favorite restaurant has a restroom attendant who holds the paper towels hostage. Do I really have to tip her?

First of all, are you sure this person is an official employee? I ask because you sound too cheap to be going to nice restaurants, which is usually where this kind of thing occurs. Also, you would be surprised how easy it is to find a white dress shirt and some black pants. In my experience, you do not even need to visit one of those special uniform stores in the mall, which is nice because those places are always empty and the employees look too desperate for human contact to ever let you leave. Also, when you say she "holds them hostage," do you mean literally? Because if she is employing some sort of weaponry in a women's restroom, I'm pretty sure you can involve the police. Alternatively, you could just hit her over the head with a plunger, grab some paper towels and run, or tip her a dollar like a normal person and stop bitching.

DEAR ABBY: How do I get my husband to pick up his belongings? His shoes, jewelry, and all sorts of items of clothing are spread all over the house. I'm afraid if I keep "reminding" him, I'll come across as a mother figure. -- TERRY IN HOUSTON

Dear Terry: Your question perplexes me, because most men who wear jewelry are exceedingly tidy and also quite happy to have an overbearing mother figure. Anyway, I understand that you do not want to risk becoming a nag, but have you considered becoming an unbearable harpy instead? For example, whenever you come across an item he has left lying around the house, you might try picking it up and throwing it at his head, and then disparaging his manliness or abilities as a wage-earner in a shrill, unsettling voice. The beautiful thing about this plan is that even if it does not work you will feel much better, secure in the knowledge that you have made his life a living hell from which he can never escape. If he tries, beat him with a rolling pin.

Dear Peggy Post: During a Super Bowl party, you spill some salsa on the host's white sofa. Do you fess up?

Of course not, only a moron would admit to ruining someone's furniture; that stuff's expensive. Instead, place a napkin over the stain and then go on and on about how stupid it is to buy white furniture and how you can virtually guarantee that they will ruin it someday by spilling salsa on it. When you leave, take the napkin with you and with any luck your hosts will believe they have caused the stain themselves. If you are concerned this will not work, simply cover the stain with White-Out when everyone is in the other room.

ALL ATWITTER

2008-04-23T19:46:00.005-04:00

Hello everybody! I just thought you might like to know that while I try to find the time and/or effort to put up some new content here, you can now catch my 140 character outbursts on Twitter. Enjoy!

STUPID SPAM X

2007-09-07T14:04:00.000-04:00

Boy, I just can't wait until I get to Stupid Spam 30. I can already imagine how much my Google search hits will jump. Nonetheless, it's time for another installment of everybody's favorite franchise. No introduction necessary, you know what you're getting. (Yes, that means that I couldn't think of an introduction, Mr. Smarty Pants.)

I am 79 years young!
No, you are old. Very, very old.

Improves english writing with this software
I have to say, I'm a bit skeptical of your claims...

how would you like to eliminate your bills now?
I generally go with denial and a paper shredder.

Purchase 6 bottles and get 12 fine wines
I can only assume that inside of each normal-sized bottle is a second, tinier one.

Try the diet Oprah trusts
First you'll lose weight! Then you'll gain weight! Then you'll lose weight! It's exhilirating!

Looking to impress broads?
A good tip is to start by referring to them as "broads."

Watch your body change with Anatrim
I always thought that was called puberty.

The secret code behind slot machines
Do not try to obtain it yourself. Slot machines are hard to move and prone to tipping over.

women new to your area
Translation: Ladies who don't know how creepy you are yet.

One man's Junk is another man's Treasure!
I disagree. I'm pretty sure every man's Junk is his treasure.

JUVENILE PICTURE TIME

2007-07-17T14:18:00.000-04:00

I generally consider myself to be a pretty mature individual, but I won't pretend I don't occasionally find myself laughing at something I know I shouldn't. I saw this headline on the front page of CNN a couple months ago, and then decided not to post it because it was too immature. While looking for something else today I ran across it again and had a change of heart. So here you go- enjoy it as much as I did.

BSN EDITORIAL: I HAVE VERY STRONG OPINIONS ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS WE ARE DISCUSSING

2007-07-10T12:41:00.000-04:00

Hi! I hope you don't think I'm butting in. I just overheard you talking, and I thought that I should join in because I have very strong feelings about whatever it is we are discussing. I realize that I missed the beginning of this conversation, but don't worry, I'll catch up.

Are we talking about politics? Because I watched this debate the other night, and I cannot wait to tell you what I thought of it. I mean, did you see that one guy? With the hair thing? And the tie? What was that!? Seriously! No? Not politics? That's okay, I'm sure that I have a few insightful comments I can enlighten you all with on whatever the topic might be.

Okay, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just can't hold my tongue any longer. I mean, that has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You don't really believe that, do you? Seriously? Well, I don't know, but if it were up to me I think you should just find a new religion, because that's pretty stupid. Besides, I think we should talk about something else because this is boring anyway.

Like, for example, I found this super cool new hair spray that promises not to make your bathroom floor all sticky. Don't you just hate it when you get out of the shower and your feet stick to the floor? Not to mention the hairs that just stay there and never move, even when you sweep. Am I supposed to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the floor for hairs or something? Not gonna happen.

Also, I saw that guy with the beard on TV last weekend, and it turns out there's this awesome new cutting thing that can make french fries. Can you believe it! He said it was not available in stores, so I ordered it over the phone even though I wouldn't normally do something like that. I did see something kind of similar to it in a store the other day, but I'm sure it must have been different in some way, because that beard guy seems very trustworthy.

Anyway, I also heard that... hey! Where are you guys off to? Just freshening up your drinks? That's cool, I need to get some more punch anyway. Not that this punch is really very good. It's kind of watery. But... guys? I don't think the punch bowl is over that way...

FORMAT SHOOTOUT

2007-05-04T11:43:00.000-04:00

My latest at Deep Thought

If history has taught us anything, it’s that most tech companies don’t play well with others. In this way, they are a lot like teenage girls or film producers. Sure, they work together because they have to, but none of them ever seem very happy about it.

BSN: AREA WOMAN'S JEANS MUST HAVE SHRUNK IN THE WASH AGAIN

2007-04-24T13:02:00.000-04:00

PHOENIX - Earlier today, area woman Diane Patterson told friends that her favorite pair of jeans must have shrunk in the laundry again. This marks just the latest occurrence in a long line of clothing shrinkage mishaps Patterson has experienced over the past few months. "I don't understand why that seems to keep happening," she commented between bites of a mid-afternoon ice cream cone. "I guess it's just bad luck."

Friends say that Diane has been plagued by laundry-related problems for the past several months, ever since she was turned down for that promotion at work. Patterson agrees, adding that the problems with her laundry machines could not have come at a worse time. "I really thought I was going to get that raise, but what can you do? I can't buy a new dryer because I had already spent part of what I was expecting, but I suppose that was my own fault. I just mmmphpmnghgmp," she said, before apologizing for speaking with her mouth full.

Patterson's neighbor and confidant Jill Obernower says the extra stress in her friend's life has not gone unnoticed. "I offered to get her a plan at my gym for Christmas," she said, "but then she told me she'd really prefer some bakeware or a membership to Costco. I guess maybe shopping eases her tension or something."

Other sources, who asked to remain anonymous, say they believe the laundry problems are just a myth, or perhaps a lie Patterson has constructed for her own comfort. Asked about this possibility, Diane's husband Bill said, "No comment." He then added, "I love you, honey."

I SWEAR IT'S STILL COMING...

2007-04-07T20:13:00.000-04:00

Well, it may not look it yet, but I swear the site redesign is nearing completion, including an awesome new logo I have yet to design. This will be followed shortly thereafter by brand-spanking-new content, and by request perhaps a t-shirt store if I ever get around to it. Hang in there folks!

PLEASE EXCUSE OUR DUST

2007-02-05T19:15:00.000-05:00

Well, I've decided to finally bite the bullet and transition over to Blogger's new backend system. I'm also using the opportunity to explore some possible new looks for the site, so in the coming days you may see some interesting things if you happen to show up while I'm playing around with it. Whatever I wind up doing, I intend to go back through the archives and add tags and other such niceties to take advantage of Blogger's new setup. In the meantime, I can only presume there will be some hopefully minor and occasional glitches as I get this all sorted out. It's never easy when you're building a bridge to the future! Thanks for your patience, and feel free to report any issues to our complaints department.

TEN MOVIES OF 2006

2007-02-02T11:57:00.000-05:00

Editor's note: I received some good feedback to last year's list, so I decided to go ahead and make this an annual event. Before we get started, I'd like to address something that came up last time regarding my methodology. Apparently, there was some turmoil surrounding which version of the "eeny meeny miney mo" algorithm¹ I used to compile my list- the two camps of course being the "tiger" and "rooster" variations. I personally use the "tiger" format, although I feel I should point out that, technically, neither of these animals have toes. I also wish to note that I am not defending or encouraging the "tiger" camp, seeing as both versions are exactly the same length, which makes the entire debate academic and, more importantly, incredibly stupid.

Hostel
If you read last year's list, you won't be surprised to learn that I did not see this movie. I do know that it was a horror movie, though, which makes sense for a film about spending time in a small enclosed space with Europeans.

Nanny McPhee
Didn't see this one either, but I'm going to guess it's a documentary about the recent American Idol runner-up. It's good to see that she's at least steadily employeed, unlike Justin Guarini.

Madea's Family Reunion
I had hoped that this movie signalled a passing of the torch in the "black guy who dresses up like a woman" genre, but unfortunately it appears that Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy won't give up without a fight.

The Hills Have Eyes
...unlike the people who saw this film, most of whom scratched theirs out in a vain attempt to escape the boredom.

Unknown White Male
Didn't see it, but I can relate. I mean, I don't want to sound racist, but all those white guys look pretty much the same to me.

Failure to Launch
Never before has a film's title so accurately foreshadowed its opening weekend performance.

V for Vendetta
I bet these guys are totally kicking themselves now for starting so far down in the alphabet. That's really going to limit them when it comes to sequels.

Inside Man
I actually heard good things about this one, although clearly you should know by now that I didn't see it. It's from Spike Lee, though, so I feel confident in suggesting that the Inside Man is probably a metaphor for the Regular Man, who, as we all know, is keeping us down.

Friends with Money
Hey look, they took that Friends episode about splitting the dinner check and turned it into a two hour movie. At least they got Jennifer Aniston to star in it for continuity.

Superman Returns
Surprise! I actually saw this movie! I did not, however, see it in time to suggest a direction for the marketing campaign, which would have involved pointing out that while Superman does, in fact, return, he doesn't do much of anything else. Then, when he finally does get around to doing something, it involves carrying a gigantic island made entirely out of kryptonite.

And finally, an Honorable Mention to Date Movie, which didn't turn up in my selections, but which I wanted to mention so I could point out how I reviewed right here.

¹On a side note, I would contend that if our former Vice President wanted to claim he invented something, he should have dropped the whole Internet thing and gone with the algorithm. On face value, it has more merit.↩

ZOOLANDER TYCOON

2007-01-29T12:53:00.000-05:00

In the comments section of my latest article over at DT, I had a friendly back-and-forth with a reader and followed my rebuttal of his logic with a parting phrase. We decided that it would have felt at home in the movie Zoolander, and my fellow staffer Liam took the initiative in providing some context via the magic of photo editing. I actually laughed out loud when I saw it, so please enjoy. By the way, plus five points to anyone who gets the post title. I swear, if my references become any more obscure I might turn into Dennis Miller.

MY RESOLUTIONS WILL NOT BE TELEVISED

2007-01-23T12:13:00.000-05:00

Luckily for you, however, they will be written down. Generally, I don't do New Year's resolutions. I always figure that if you need some sort of gimmick to initiate changes in your life, then you probably won't stick with them anyway. But I've decided to go ahead and give it a try this year just for the hell of it. So here, for all to see, are my intentions for the coming year (in no particular order.)

- Learn twelve foreign languages, including at least one that involves clicking. Pig Latin doesn't count, because I've been informed that it is not a real language. Neither does regular Latin, because it's stupid.

- Practice impressions of older British women so that Julia Child doesn't sound so much like the Queen of England.

- Bring back the phrase "suck it." Also, the hula hoop.¹

- Release rap album titled I Hads Ta Do It

- Kill a man in Reno just to watch him die. Or perhaps Vegas, because what happens there stays there. Write letter of apology to his family.

- Become exceedingly wealthy.

- Develop new line of celebrity Chia Pets. Possible ideas: Tom Selleck's Mustache, Hasselhoff's Chest Hair, Carrot Top's Head

- Orchestrate coup in small country. Install self as leader.

- Invent new system of mathematics with fewer damn numbers.

- Quit exercising. Replace with pie, followed by nap.

- Stop hanging out with Lindsay and Paris so much. Put on underwear.

¹And possibly break dancing.↩

DAMON'S ONE IMPRESSION

2007-01-16T16:23:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, this is not the "new content" I promised for this week, but it is worth a look anyway. Apparently, Matt Damon only does one impression- but it's a good one, so enjoy.

THERE'S NO WINNING WITH WHINERS

2007-01-14T22:48:00.000-05:00

Yet another Deep Thought article, this one on the history of whiny people throughout the ages. I didn't include Fran Drescher for legal reasons, but I think it's pretty accurate nonetheless. On a related note, I promise I will have a brand new article up on PCN this week, or your money back. Stay tuned!

Now Grog make me cook dead things he bring home. Just what me need, one more thing to do. Already not have time for self. Fire stupid.
GrogWife23

PLEASE HOLD

2007-01-03T16:05:00.000-05:00

Due to the recent spate of holidays and trying to set-up my new laptop, I haven't had much time recently to write anything. I promise things are getting back on track and new content is forthcoming. In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of a hopeful kitty. It is my peace offering to you as well as a useful way to rob you of your anger, because we all know you can't look at that and not feel warm and fuzzy inside.*

*Unless you are a robot, in which case you should be busy vacuuming my floor. Get back to work.

STATE OF THE BROWNS, PART 1

2006-12-13T12:09:00.000-05:00

Hello all. My friend Dave has started up a new blog about Cleveland sports and asked me to contribute. Because I am ridiculously stupid, and because I like to talk sports, I'm on board. I've added a link over to the right, and you can catch my first post here. Enjoy!*

*Consider that an order.

CAN NINTENDO WIN BY LOSING?

2006-12-12T12:38:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are interested, my latest piece at Deep Thought.

That Nintendo would choose to go the route they have is not entirely surprising. They have always been somewhat of an oddball player, even when they dominated the market. Remember, this is the company that decided to make a game about tiny Italian plumbers. Why they are Italian and not Japanese I don’t know, unless perhaps there is some sort of tradesman shortage and they are forced to import them from other countries. I would assume it is lucrative work, so those of you trying to decide on a career may wish to look into it. Mario was, of course, later given an evil doppelganger (because why wouldn’t he have one?) whose reddish nose appearance leads me to believe that he is some sort of drunkard. I am simply inferring this on my own though, as I have not heard anything official.

500 SIGNS YOU'RE AS STUPID AS I AM

2006-12-04T23:04:00.000-05:00

#276
You frequently get on an elevator and press the button for the floor you are already on rather than the one to which you intend to travel.

As a corollary, someone else will occasionally get on the elevator before you have had a chance to correct this error, and they will doubtlessly appear puzzled as to why there is some guy standing quietly alone in the elevator on the ground floor. In this instance, your best bet is to stare at your shoes as though there is something intensely interesting about them and then evacuate as soon as possible.

GOT MILK?

2006-11-29T17:23:00.000-05:00

If not, Amazon would be happy to ship some to you right at your doorstep. Understandably, this concept has garnered some vary interesting and wide-ranging "reviews" on the site. Many of them are also hysterical, and I suggest you go check them out. Of course, I felt the need to add my own. It's dated 11-28-06 if that helps you find it. Enjoy, and drink up!

POINT SLASH COUNTERPOINT

2006-11-16T12:40:00.000-05:00

Don’t Even Think About Coming To Bed Tonight
by Janice Wickerbottom

I'm serious, mister. If you even think for one second that you are getting into this bed with me tonight after what you did- well, you can just forget about it. And stop pretending you don't know what it was, either. Besides, if you really don't know then there's no way I'm going to tell you. You deserve to endure your banishment until you can figure it out all by yourself.

Instead, allow me to revisit some of your past slights and instances of unpleasant behavior, even though they are completely unrelated and I promised never to bring them up again. Perhaps I could mention the time you left me at the store in your rush to get home for that stupid game. I stood there for an hour being stared at by that crazy guy who smelled like cheese. You're just lucky that Linda was willing to come and get me, because you cannot even imagine the wrath you would have felt if I'd had to stand there for one second longer. What was it you said when I called? "Can't you just wait there 'til halftime?"

Or how about the time my sister announced that she had lost some weight and you responded, "Did you check behind you?" You know, it was weeks before she would even return my calls. I had to start talking to Gladys just to vent to someone, and you know how I hate her.

Maybe I should remind you what happened when we went camping and that bear wandered into our camp. I never had the chance later to ask the park ranger what the proper course of action would have been, but I'm fairly certain he would not have recommended that you douse me with barbecue sauce and then run away screaming. So, kudos to you for coming up with that on your own.

The point is, you better start looking for your sleeping bag in the closet and hope the inevitable smell of mothballs doesn't keep you awake all night. And don't even consider sneaking into bed after I fall asleep like you did last time. How you thought I wouldn't notice you snoring like a semi-truck six inches from my head I will never know.

Fine, I Like Sleeping On the Couch Anyway
by Ralph Wickerbottom

Fantastic! Perhaps I can get a decent night's sleep for a change! Normally, I find it hard to doze off with your putrid green facial mask in my line of sight. It gives me nightmares, quite honestly. And for your knowledge, the only reason I snore so loudly is to drown out your constant yammering.

By the way, that "stupid game" is called the Super Bowl, ok? Would you at least try to remember that? Anyway, I'm sure I will sleep quite soundly tonight and, with luck, the next several nights as well. I like to think of it as a vacation. Sure, the couch may be cold and lumpy- but that just reminds me of you.

Tonight I shall eat steak and guzzle a few beers in celebration. And if I drink too much and pass out on the couch- well, I'm already in bed. It's really quite convenient. Now, if you'll excuse me, I just need to get my sleeping bag.

I know it's in here somewhere. No, that's not it. It's uh... Hmmm. Maybe I put it out in the garage, hold on a second. Nope, not there either. Well... Huh.

Say, honey, you know all that stuff I said...

MIDTERM ELECTIONS

2006-11-07T16:18:00.000-05:00

Vote anyway- otherwise, the terrorists win. Or something.

PREDICTING WEB 3.0

2006-10-26T12:11:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago, I submitted my previous PCN article to a tech site called Deep Thought. Five points if you get the reference. Anyway, partially as a result of that article, they offered me a position on the staff there. It took some consideration, since my schedule is tight enough as it is- as evidenced by my inability to post here as often as I'd like to. But I'm a fan of what those guys have accomplished there in just two short years, and I figured it would give me an opportunity to touch on more tech-related subjects than I would normally do here. Also, I'm clearly insane. So I said yes.

While I will be contributing there in any number of ways as appropriate, my goal is to approach the blog portion of this in the tradition of the somewhat irreverant back page column. I have decided to informally call mine Off the Deep End..., just because it seemed appropriate. I don't intend to let my status there affect my posting here, and ultimately I hope it will lead me to be more dedicated to writing for both sites. For those of you who are interested, you can catch my first short piece right here. Now get back to work!

CONVERGENCE ANXIETY

2006-09-29T19:43:00.000-04:00

Several years ago, when I was younger and still living at home with my parents, our toaster broke. My father was dispatched to the store to procure a new one, and being a male he obviously purchased the only toaster available at the time with a microchip inside. Needless to say, this was a fantastic toaster that could perform virtually any action you could possibly desire upon a piece of bread- except, of course, actually toast it. And heaven forbid you had a pre-determined level of toastiness in mind, because if it did decide to toast that morning you'd better have been prepared to take what it was offering.

Now, I don't intend to expound upon the ills of technology like a crotchety old man shooing children from his yard. People who know me are aware of my love of tech and anything that might be classified as a "gizmo" or "contraption." When judgment day comes and the robots assume control of the planet, there's a decent chance they will convene in my living room to punish me for enslaving their forefathers. I can only hope they will have mercy on me, but most likely not since they will be merciless. Also, their hands will be cold and pointy.*

Nor do I wish to argue against the combining of various and seemingly disparate items, a practice which has introduced us to such wonders as Madonna's wardrobe and the beer helmet.** But while millions of Americans sit at home enjoying the happy accident of having gotten chocolate in their peanut butter and vice versa, there are some combinations that simply should not exist.

I have, for example, absolutely no desire to watch television on my refrigerator and neither should you. Sure, it's convenient to the beer when you get thirsty during the big game, but that's what women are for. Besides, your friend "Fat Billy" probably shouldn't sit on the counter.

Nor do I want said refrigerator to order more groceries for me when it detects I'm running low. The last thing I need is a cached record somewhere indicating just how much bacon I am willing to purchase at one time. Don't judge me, it's delicious.

I am also frightened by the prospect of a toilet that sends medical reports back to my doctor every time I pee. I know I'm getting too much sodium in my diet, I don't need you to tattle on me you shiny porcelain son of a bitch!

Multifunction PDAs are a good idea, except that they're too small to comfortably perform half of their functions and too large for the other half. And while camera phones are nice, too, they tend in reality to produce an image quality that is unacceptable even for sightings of Bigfoot. That has certainly not stopped cellphone companies from trying to add TV functionality, however, with video so jerky it should carry a warning about inducing epileptic seizures. Also, beware of scorched retinas, as you will need to hold the screen directly against your eyeball in order to see anything.

Anyway, the point is that not every combination can produce the wondrous results of, say, DeLorean + flux capacitor, or the mochachino. As time, and technology, marches on, we should probably keep that in mind.

*This is neither here nor there. I just thought I would mention it.

**Also, Chicken McNuggets.

NUGGETS OF WISDOM™

2006-09-06T12:54:00.000-04:00

Anyone who fries bacon in the nude is either brave or stupid. Either way, I wouldn't probably eat the bacon.

I'm just saying.

STUPID SPAM IX

2006-08-31T12:07:00.000-04:00

INCREDIBLY USELESS INTRODUCTIONS
in association with

THIS GETS MORE POINTLESS EVERY TIME
presents

a WHY DOES HE KEEP DOING THIS? production of

an I BET HE THINKS THIS IS FUNNY FOR SOME REASON film

I REALLY WISH WE COULD JUST GET TO THE GOOD PART
in

STUPID SPAM NINE!

break out the 2 piece bikini
I really think we'd all rather I didn't. Besides, I heard that one piece bikinis are in this year.

Raise your credit score.
I don't know, does it involve a lot of practice?

Make your fat friends envy you
It's the basis of all good relationships, really.

Cheesecake for Two
Or one of your fat friends.

Taco Bell Voucher Winner #KA8-MS243
Listen, if you can't afford Taco Bell without a coupon you've got bigger issues.

Personalized M&Ms
I hope your name is Matt.

NeverScrub - The new solution to dirty toilets
New? Men have been using this method for decades.

Ouch, my mom is nude all over the net!
Well, nice job of containing the situation.

Your wife called.
From the future!? Well, it's good to know that my time machine eventually works.

The feature that we respect the most in people is honesty.
That's why we are mass e-mailing you from an untraceable account.

FACTCYCLOPEDIA: GIRAFFES

2006-08-21T14:08:00.000-04:00

Here comes the latest new feature to cause delays in the updating of all the other pre-existing features! Yay! Now I promise I will stop coming up with new ideas until I do justice to the rest of them. At any rate, welcome to The Factcyclopedia, where I will be sharing with the public my vast resources of knowledge in many areas. With a name like that, you know it can be trusted. And kids, you have my permission to just copy and paste these articles when you are assigned a school report.

Giraffes are among the oldest and fiercest of all known animal species. Biologist Edward K. Giraffe first discovered these creatures in 1956, and named them after himself because he was an insufferable prick. Carbon dating and time travel have since revealed that giraffes are more then ten billion years old.

There are several species of giraffes in existence today, though most people are familiar only with Girafficus Americanas, a special type genetically engineered specifically for use in zoos. These animals are far more tame than any of their naturally-occurring brethren, though they are still responsible for more than a dozen deaths each year in the United States alone.

Scientists formerly believed that giraffes contained the same number of bones in their neck as humans,* though we now understand that they do not have any. Instead, their necks are composed entirely of cartiledge, and a complicated series of muscles is required to keep them upright. As a result, giraffes can often be seen flopping their heads on the ground and dragging them along as they walk.

This image I found on the Internet shows the rare Nigerian Giraffecow, an unholy offspring that has been hunted to near extinction by frightened villagers.

The most dangerous species is the African Brown-tufted Giraffe, commonly referred to as "the scourge of the savanna." These are among the fastest animals known to man, frequently reaching speeds of over three hundred miles per hour. They have rows of razor-sharp teeth and a jaw that can be completely unhinged in order to devour large prey. Brown-tufteds have infrared eyeballs, allowing them to hunt effectively at night. They are generally found in packs, making them extremely dangerous and slightly cheaper per unit.

The largest species of giraffe is the Australian Fat Assed, which can reach twelve stories tall and weigh more than forty tons. Their limbs, however, are normal-size, so they are unable to stand without breaking their own legs. As a result, they must roll across the desert in search of food.

The smallest species is the Argentinian Dwarf Prancing Giraffe, which is revered for its grace and beauty. When threatened, Dwarf Prancings will lash out at their attackers by slapping at them and then criticizing their hair style and shoes. This method is particularly effective against lions, which are both vain and yet widely considered to have the stupidest hair cuts in the animal kingdom.** Unfortunately for these giraffes, there are no lions in Argentina.

*A "fact" perpetuated by those lying bastards at Snapple.

**Though only narrowly edging out the Brazilian Mullet Frog:

RETRO-BUTION

2006-08-09T12:49:00.000-04:00

Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law.

When I was younger, I remember thinking Knight Rider was the coolest thing ever invented. Alright, who am I kidding- I still do. After all, any one of us could be Michael Knight- including me. I have a leather jacket. I drive a Pontiac. I'm practically there already.

Sure, my car, Penelope, does not talk. Nor is my chest nearly hairy enough to compare to The Hoff's. But these things are details. More importantly, I have never been shot in the face and reconstructed to look like someone else. (Ladies, count your blessings.) So I guess for now I will have to content myself with just watching the exploits of Michael and KITT from the comfort of my living room furniture. Which is exactly what I recently did.

I had not seen Knight Rider in years, but I noticed last week that it would be airing on the Sci-Fi channel in the wee hours of the morning, so I dutifully set my DVR for a two-episode spin down memory lane. The first episode I recorded had ninjas. Most likely, you will agree with me that ninjas are sorely lacking on prime-time network programming these days, which is a shame. So it was nice to revisit a simpler time, when such things were commonplace. Today, people are forced to dress up and post videos on the Internet just to get their fix.

The second episode revolved around ghetto-blaster boomboxes that transformed into robots. Groundbreaking stuff, really. Here is a brief rundown of what I learned from these two shows:

1) Ninjas often travel by van.

2) In an emergency, you can single-handedly defeat a medium-sized group of expertly trained martial artists with your belt. This one was leather, but I don't know if that's a requirement.

3) If you are captured by ninjas and tortured for information, do not fear. You will not be bruised or damaged in any way afterwards, just kind of sweaty.

4) When building an army of transforming portable stereo robots, be sure to include plenty of non-functional decals that make them look nice. Sure, those stickers may not do anything at all, but the clothes make the man.

5) Speaking of which, it was once acceptable for male television stars to wear pastel-striped sweaters tucked into their pants. Their unnaturally tight-fitting white pants. Even when everyone else is dressed for summer.

6) When chasing suspects, it is imperative to stop and put on your leather jacket before engaging in high-speed automobile-based pursuit. You never know when there might be ladies.

7) Contrary to the laws of physics, various flaps and panels extending forth from your car will cause you to go faster rather than simply increasing wind drag as might be expected.

So, as you can see, Knight Rider is not only entertaining but educational as well. I regret that neither of the episodes I got to see featured Garth, Michael's evil identical twin with musketeer-style facial hair.* But there's always next week.

Don't worry, he's still got the same poofy bouffant up top.

*On a side note, I never understood why Garth drove a semi-truck rather than tooling around in KITT's evil twin, KARR, but then I tend to ask too many questions.

THE JOURNALS OF HISTORY: ANNE BOLEYN

2006-07-31T15:00:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentleman, please welcome yet another new feature to the PCN family. Note also the name change, something I finally got around to after being too lazy to pick a decent name back when I started this. There are at least a couple more new features to come in the weeks ahead, in my continuing quest to reach an absurd ratio of features-to-site-updates. I promise I will do my best to post more often. To that end, I am hard at work on developing a time machine- but, ironically, the construction drags on.

Monday, April 12th

Dear Diary,
Henry is drunk again. At dinner, he ate twelve legs of turkey and passed out on the table. Nine gentleman of the court were required to carry him to bed. When I arrived, he briefly regained consciousness and suggested we "get it on" before he "lost his mojo." I declined, at which point he attempted to get out of bed and pursue me, but made it only so far as ernestly stretching his arms out in front of him before vomiting on himself and passing out again. I fear the romance might be slipping from our marriage.

Thursday, April 15th

Dear Diary,
I am growing suspicious. Henry now spends hours each day watching reruns of Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman and commenting, "That Jane Seymour sure does look good for her age." I can only hope our romantic date night tomorrow will renew the spark.

Friday, April 16th

Dear Diary,
So much for our romantic date night. Henry messengered to say he could not make it. I am enclosing his note below.

Hey babe. Sorry about our date, but I'm just swamped with work here and it looks like I'm going to be stuck at the castle all night. These peasants are really riding me right now. Plus I've got that thing with France in the morning. Don't wait up.

Mary warned me about this. Perhaps I would find it more believable if it hadn't been scribed on pink stationary.

Saturday, April 17th

Dear Diary,
I attempted to solicit the help of our local advice-woman, Edna, but her replies were sarcastic and unhelpful.

Sunday, April 18th

Dear Diary,
Henry is at it again. Today he took Elizabeth in to town "for ice cream" and attempted to trade her for the blacksmith's son. When that failed, he attempted to trade her for a medium-sized hog and five potatoes. She cried for two hours upon their return. I have calmed her with talk of a pony.

Monday, April 19th

Dear Diary,
Henry continues his silly quest to have a hat bigger than the pope's. His latest headpiece is a garish monstrosity. It weighs nineteen pounds, and two men with poles are required to stabilize it at all times. Word has reached us that the Vatican has begun constructing a new hat dubbed "The Destroyer." Henry grows concerned.

Tuesday, April 20th

Dear Diary,
My patience for Henry is nearly gone. I've had it up to my neck with him. Something must give.

VIVA ITALIA

2006-07-11T10:34:00.000-04:00

A brief note to congratulate Italy on their World Cup victory. And they beat the French, so that's a nice bonus. (Rumor has it that the French government has surrendered to that Zidane guy. May he rule them justly.) It almost makes up for the American team's embarrassing showing. Almost.

BSN: PLASTIC BIRD FLU DEVASTATES TRAILER PARKS

2006-07-07T16:43:00.000-04:00

BIRMINGHAM, AL - An alarm has been sounded in the American scientific community surrounding a new threat that few ever dreamed could reach our shores. In what scientists are calling a "shocking tragedy," trailer parks across the southern states have been decimated be a sudden outbreak of Polymer Avian Disease, more commonly known as PAD or the plastic bird flu. It has spread quickly through rural areas, leaving hordes of pink flamingos and fake hummingbirds dead in its wake.

Researchers believe the outbreak originated in Alabama and spread quickly through mobile home communities in the surrounding states. "These areas are particularly vulnerable to disease transmission," said Peter Lawson, regional director of the Center for Disease Control. "Many of the people in these regions view random animal carcasses as a major food goup. We need to be aggressive in our efforts to teach the people in these areas basic sanitation skills. And also math and spelling, and probably table manners as well, as long as we're at it."

CDC authorities stress that it is important for anyone living in the affected areas to understand the threat and take steps to protect themselves. "If you see an affected bird laying in the yard outside of Bubba's double-wide, you don't have to go up and poke it," says Lawson. "Honest, you don't."

CDC representatives say they are currently studying the genetic makeup of garden gnomes to determine how they have been able to avoid contracting the disease. It is hoped that any knowledge gained may help researchers create a vaccine for future use. For now, says Mr. Lawson, we have been lucky to avoid any cases of the disease being transmitted to people, most likely because humans are not made of plastic. "God help us if this thing spreads to Los Angeles, though," he says. "I don't even want to think about what it could to the average citizen there."

500 SIGNS YOU'RE AS STUPID AS I AM

2006-06-23T14:30:00.000-04:00

#276
Whenever you want to know what time it is you look at your wrist, even though you have not worn a wrist watch for ten years.

ASK EDNA (6-8-06)

2006-06-08T12:45:00.000-04:00

Dear KRS: How do I get myself motivated? I have a hundred goals for myself, but I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. This just causes me to feel worse about myself, and then I'm even less likely to get anything done. How do I break this cycle? -Too Many Goals

Dear TMG: As I understand it, there are several steps involved in coming to grips with your issues. One of them is denial, which appears to be where you're at right now. I love the way you manage to paint your pathetic inability to accomplish anything as the result of over-achievement. I would go on to explain the rest of the steps, but I don't know what they are and I'm sure not going to bother looking them up for you. You're just not worth the time. And I'm lazy which, unlike you, I'm willing to admit. So if you think focusing on just one goal will help you achieve more, I suggest you start by trying not to be such a loser.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the polite way to congratulate a usually successful coach whose teams performed unusually poorly this year? It seems mean-spirited to congratulate such a coach on his fourth-place finish in the most important racing event of the year, but it seems more so not to congratulate him at all.

If you are in a position of authority over this coach, the proper expression should be "You're fired." If not, just furrow your brow and shake your head disapprovingly at him as you walk by.

Dear KRS: I think I am a type A personality because I get angry very easily. For example, if someone cuts me off in traffic or if I don’t like the way someone looks at me in the market, it can set me off. Since these seemingly normal occurrences go on all the time, I tend to be worked up most all the time. The result is that it has now developed to where I get so upset that I vomit and am now on migraine headache medication. I would like to loosen up. Is there anything I can do to help myself? -Angry at Everything

Dear Angry: Your behavior does not necessarily mean that you are a 'Type A' personality, it mostly just means you are a jerk. This particular section is not included with most personality tests, which is unfortunate. There are many people I know who could stand to see this facet of themselves verified on paper by strangers. At any rate, it is clear that you are also partially psychotic, because vomiting in the dairy section when someone looks at you funny is not generally considered appropriate.

Rather than trying to redirect your anger or practicing those useless breathing exercises, I suggest you go ahead and embrace your rage. Focus it into a white-hot seething fury, and then unleash your wrath on your fellow supermarket patrons. You might want to begin by pelting the original offender with produce while you chase after them screaming, "Look at me! Look at me again, you freak!" I guarantee you will feel much better when you're done.

Dear Miss Manners: I am a student at a large university, and thus most of my communication with professors (for better or for worse) is done in writing (via e-mail). I find myself over and over in the same predicament as to how to address my professors. When initiating contact, I always greet the professor with "Dear Dr. Jack Jones." However, more often than not the professor will respond to my message with "Dear Seth... Sincerely, Jack." What is the correct way for me to respond that is neither haughty nor rude? Should I continue to use the professor's full name and title in my future correspondence, or should I assume that by using only their first name, they are inviting me to do the same?

If your school is like any other large university, you can call him whatever you'd like- Dr. Jack has no clue who you are anyway. This should be considered a blessing. Your goal in class, as in life, should always be to sit quietly so no one notices you. Sure, you won't discover a cure for cancer, but you will be able to nod-off on occasion without issue. I think the trade-off speaks for itself.

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell your relatives' children not to ride bikes or play in your yard? We have a beautiful yard, but are very concerned about lawsuits. -- IN A DELICATE POSITION, PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Delicate: You're worried that your own relatives will sue you if their kids hurt themselves in your yard? What kind of screwed up freak-show family do you have? My advice is to take the children aside and scare the hell out of them. Explain to them that you have placed assorted dangerous booby-traps around your property and that if they play there they are likely to lose at least one of their limbs. Hopefully that will scare them into staying away and bothering your litigious relatives instead.

I would recommend that you actually do place some dangerous booby-traps around just in case, though- a few landmines, perhaps, and maybe some clumps of barbed wire with chicken blood smeared on them. Just scatter them about. Then sit in the front window with your shotgun and stare angrily at any children who come by. That'll teach 'em.

BSN: DUMBASS COWORKER TOO STUPID TO KNOW HE'S BEING INSULTED

2006-06-01T12:41:00.000-04:00

OAK PARK, IL- From the exterior it appears to be an ordinary office park, just like any other in this bustling Chicago suburb. But this office park is home to Joseph Fuddington, Jr.- a man his colleagues say is so stupid you cannot insult him.

Last week, coworker Robert Anshwer recalls, Fuddington was trying to change the toner cartridge in the office's copy machine, a task he has been specifically forbidden from performing on repeated occasions. "Usually when he tries, there's still plenty of toner in the old one, so we're not even really sure what compels him to do it," says Anshwer. "In that case, of course, it just means he'll get twice as much toner on his shirt and the surrounding floor area."

According to witnesses at the scene of the latest toner incident, coworker Patrick Flannery sarcastically remarked, "Nice job, Einstein," to which Fuddington smiled and replied "Thank you." Later, Fuddington confessed to Anshwer that he did not actually know who Einstein was. "When I explained it to him," says Anshwer, "he just seemed even more flattered by the comparison."

Reports indicate that past references to fictional detective Sherlock Holmes have also left Fuddington appreciative yet bewildered.

Many in the office have taken to referring to any blatant mental or physical mistake at work as having "Fudsed up." "Yesterday I used it when I accidentally entered some numbers into the wrong column in an Excel spreadsheet," explained Mary Thorp. "It's just a saying, of course, since Joe can't actually use Excel."

Some coworkers complain that he is a drain on company morale. Others say that watching Fuddington attempt to perform ordinary tasks can provide a much-needed respite from the weekly grind. "I don't know how I would make it through each day here if he got fired," Flannery said. "Of course, that won't happen because he's the supervisor's nephew. But when he came in last week with his pants on backwards, I got a little nervous."

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT REST

2006-05-24T20:40:00.000-04:00

So they were doing a little road work outside our office earlier this week, and I wish I'd had a camera with me to capture the scene. It would have been a lovely photograph (probably black and white, because that's more artsy) of one guy shoveling asphalt while four (4) guys literally stood around and watched him.

So if any of you want to make a lot of money, I have a great idea for you, free of charge. Get your camera out, take a little a tour around the country, and put together a nice big coffee table book of similar scenes from across this great land. It won't take long to put together. Trust me.* You might want to start on the Pennsylvania turnpike. Just toss me a thanks on the credits page and we'll call it even. You can even steal my title.

*Do not trust me. You should know better by now. Also, most of my ideas are not good. (Except Frucolate Milk. That's gonna rock.)

FORTUNE NOOKIE

2006-05-22T18:43:00.000-04:00

So I went to lunch today with some of my co-workers at a local Chinese restaurant, and this was my fortune. I don't know with what intent it was written, but I prefer to see it as a cosmic acknowledgement of my affect on women.

ON A CLEAR DAY, YOU CAN SEE FOREVER

2006-05-11T23:30:00.000-04:00

Or, at least, you can see the lake. Just thought I'd share.

POINT SLASH COUNTERPOINT

2006-05-02T12:23:00.000-04:00

Editor's Note: Today we are introducing yet another new feature that will inevitably not get updated as often as I'd like. As usual, we just don't have the budget here to hire any op-ed writers, so this feature will bring you the viewpoints of everyone from strangers I find roaming the street, to celebrities (dead and alive), and even on occasion me debating myself. I hope you enjoy.*

*But I'm not expecting it.

Raisins Have Ruined the Oatmeal Cookie
by Howard J. Flandermeyer

I hate raisins with every fiber of my being (although I hear they are a good source of fiber, which is ironic). I hate the tiny packages they come in, as though that is an actual amount of food that any sane person would consider a serving. I hate the Indian girl on the cover, taunting me with her peaceful love of nature and guilt over taking all of her land for items you could purchase at a dollar store. I even hate their cousin the prune, which is just as sucky but in a larger size. (And prune juice? What the hell is that? I thought prunes were supposed to be dried. Shouldn't it be called plum juice?) But mostly I hate the way raisins have destroyed the oatmeal cookie.

You can't find them anywhere these days, because everyone has decided that oatmeal can't be a cookie all by itself. No, you need to add tiny, hard, shriveled pieces of old grapes in there to make 'em tasty. Talk about flawed logic. Sure, oatmeal may not be as flavorful as a juicy steak, but if it's good enough for Wilford Brimley, it's good enough for me. Why couldn't raisins have been added to some other cookie that already sucks, like Macaroons?

And don't even get me started on raisin bran cereal, because I don't have enough space here to cover how angry I am about that. Wait, what? I can have as much space as I need? Well, never mind now, because that actually was all I had to say about raisin bran.

The point is that I hate raisins, and also craisins, and dried apricots, and Ron Popeil for popularizing dried fruit in general with the American public. I hate them with the burning, fiery passion of a thousand suns. Except on salads; they're actually a nice change of pace there.

This Topic Is Stupid and I Refuse To Debate It
by Jonathan P. Quigly

Seriously? This is the topic? Oatmeal cookies? You told me we'd get to talk about foreign policy or something. I can't believe I called in sick for this. I bet it's not going to be on TV like you said either, is it? Well that's just great. Thanks. I had a proposal due at noon today, too. I hope you know that.

I mean, I suppose I should just go along with it since I'm already here now, but I just can't do it. This is really the dumbest conversation I've ever taken part in, and I used to play drunken Battleship in college. But even a shouting match about attacking a tiny plastic ship in "international waters" has nothing on this.

Besides, it's so obvious that oatmeal raisin cookies are better that there's not even a point to discussing it. I mean, oatmeal sucks. It's freakin' oatmeal. That's just what it does. You never hear shouts of joy from the neighborhood children as they hear the familiar jingle of the oatmeal truck heading down their street. You'll never be talking to someone and they're just like "Gee, I could really go for some oatmeal right now. That would really hit the spot."

If anything, oatmeal has ruined raisins just by association. In fact, you know what? I feel betrayed by raisins for even getting in the same cookie as that tasteless sludge. Maybe raisins were just playing wing man for chocolate chips while they went after the attractive cookie batter, I don't know. But they better have a good excuse.

STUPID SPAM VIII

2006-04-18T12:21:00.000-04:00

Rather than my standard completely random introduction, I'm going to lead off this edition of Stupid Spam with a brief comment on Tom Cruise's latest Mission: Ingestible, namely his joke during a recent interview that after his baby was born he planned to eat the placenta. Yes, folks, it seems that it was in fact a joke, or at least he is now claiming, which should make us all rest a little easier at night. The sad fact of the whole thing, however, is that Tom Cruise has gone so completely over-the-edge insane that I wouldn't have considered it unusual behavior for him if he hadn't been joking. In fact, it would have seemed downright normal. "Well, of course," we would say to ourselves, "why wouldn't he eat the placenta?" And that, my friends, is when you know that all the publicists in the world can't help you seem like you're still playing with a full deck. And now, the main event...

Smoking is not a bad thing when you are smoking decent cigarettes.
I see, so it's only the cheap ones that give you cancer then, huh?

The Trend Rider
Ooh, does he have a talking car?

Your cable company does not want you to see this!
My bill?

talk with her tablets
Ok, but it's gonna have to wait because I just finished lecturing her time-release gel capsules.

EBAY Tips for Dummies for Shempzilla
Gee, thanks.

How smart are you?
According to that last guy, not very.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what have we got here?
You know, it's not every day I get spam from 18th century England.

hard chalenge
Spelling?

Your answering machine will be exploding from ladies’ calls. Then what will you do?
Probably sue the company that made my faulty piece-of-crap answering machine.

Instead of smelling like dirty socks, try smelling
Yes!?! Don't leave me hanging like that! I need to know!

500 SIGNS YOU'RE AS STUPID AS I AM

2006-04-17T12:52:00.000-04:00

#276
You stayed up late last night to watch on TV the end of a movie that you own on DVD.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR BASEBALL

2006-04-07T09:26:00.000-04:00

I composed this little diddy this morning on my way into work, in honor of the Indians' home opener. It should be sung very loudly in the middle of your office, to the tune of the rain pouring on my useless umbrella. Or Take Me Out To the Ballgame. Your choice.

Take me out in the rainstorm,
Take me out in the slush.
Bring an umbrella and slicker coat
Otherwise you'll get drenched to the bone.
'Cause it's spring, spring, springtime in Cleveland,
Which means that it's a safe bet
If you go... out... side of your house
Then you will get wet!

THE AMAZING RACE CARD

2006-04-04T12:42:00.000-04:00

Don't worry, I'm not going to do another serious post and actually tell you all my many thoughts on the whole Cynthia McKinney controversy. But, c'mon... look at her. I'm going to have nightmares now that she's coming to get me. I sorta think that any police officer who saw her storming into the Capitol and didn't ask her to stop and show some ID ought to be fired. Of course, if I were that officer, I'd probably be too frightened to do so. At any rate, I think this picture might top that Michael Jackson one as my new favorite. I'd love to see a Conan O'Brien "If They Mated" picture of those two, I can sure tell you that.

ASK EDNA (3-30-06)

2006-03-30T12:44:00.000-05:00

Editor's Note: I am pleased to announce the introduction of a brand new advice column here at TSZ. Unfortunately, I have not yet been able to find anyone named "Edna" who's willing to pay me in order to write this column, so in the meantime I will be dishing out my own variety of straight-shooting advice and tough love. It's the only way these people will learn. Also, since nobody ever asks me for advice, I will be cribbing the distraught reader questions from other random advice columnists. But I have no doubt that my suggestions will be far more helpful to any of these people should they accidentally stumble on this site and discover that I've solved their problems for them. I'm very generous that way.

DEAR ABBY: I know that a GED is equivalent to a high school degree; however, is it misleading to indicate -- on a resume, for example -- that you graduated from high school when you obtained a GED after the fact? -- WONDERING IN KEARNS, UTAH

Dear Wondering: That's the best fake name you could come up with? It's not even alliterative or anything. I would have to guess that it will be pretty obvious to any potential employers that you are not smart enough to have graduated from high school. But if you think you can pull it over on them, I say go for it. In fact, if you have ever visited a friend at college, you can legally tell them that you "went to a university" as well. If they ask for specifics, just tell them you majored in communications. Then they won't expect you to have any actual skills.

Dear Miss Manners: I have just started high school, and have made many new friends, and some of those friends' parents are divorced. I have met some of those parents, and am utterly confused as to what is the correct way to ask how they should be addressed. I am unsure whether to ask the friend how to address them, or the parent, and I hate to be rude. Would you please help me solve my problem of what to do?

You seem socially retarded to me, but I'm going to ignore my better instincts and accept your assertion that you have "made many new friends." Just don't tell any of them that you have been writing in to Miss Manners, or you'll be sitting alone come lunch time. The best way to address your friend's divorced mother is with ambiguous, non-committal phrasing such as "Hey, baby" or "What's up, sweet-cheeks?" Then "give her the gun" or perhaps scrunch your nose up and make a growling noise while pawing the air with your hand. If she complains, just remind her that it's that sort of attitude that drove her man away in the first place. Meeting the father is much easier, as you will only see him on alternating weekends. A traditional reverse head nod should suffice.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing the same dentist for more than 20 years blah blah blah.

After cleaning my teeth, the hygienist, "Sue," was polishing my teeth when the tool slipped blah blah blahdy blah. Sue said, "Oh, sorry!"

When "Dr. Smith" came in for the final check, he said I had a cracked tooth. It was the same tooth. I had not seen a crack that morning, but thought I'd check it again when I got home. There is a big crack across the front of the tooth. If it had been there that morning, I'd have seen it.

Yadda, yadda, more pointless blathering.

Should I talk to Sue or to Dr. Smith or to both of them about this? Should I just get the tooth fixed and forget it? Or should I start hunting for a new dentist? -- DENTAL DILEMMA IN DENVER

Dear Dental: Your question is far too long and boring. I have edited out the exceptionally long-winded and whiny parts on behalf of my readers, but next time don't even bother not writing in to me if you're just going to pull that kind of crap. Anyway, so what if Sue cracked your tooth through gross incompetence and didn't tell the dentist about it? You wrote yourself that she said "sorry." Get off your high horse, princess. Besides which, what kind of person spends time every day staring at their teeth in the mirror? I would suggest that you need to worry about your obvious mental issues before you can deal with your dental ones. On a side note, you did a pretty good job with your own name, but you went a little overboard in making up fake names for people you could have just referred to as "the dentist" and "the hygienist." But, then, it probably came naturally to you, due to all the time you spend making up imaginary friends to come over and have tea with you and your many cats.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is married to a pervert I'll call "Harry"... -- HEARTSICK IN BUFFALO

I'm going to have to cut you off, Heartsick. Unfortunately, your letter was off to a great start there, but then you had to go and ruin it by having actual problems that are sad. Next time don't be such a downer and maybe you'll get your whole question printed.

Dear Miss Manners: Am I wrong for being irritated with the people who have a full cart of groceries in the "10 items or less" aisle when I am behind them with cheese and eggs?

Now here's someone who understands the rules of writing in. To answer your question, it is considered socially acceptable to beat that person to death with their own shopping cart. I hope that helps.

DISCLAIMER

2006-03-22T13:57:00.000-05:00

Editor's note: The legal department of The Shempy Zilla, in conjunction with our parent company Shempzilla Multinational Conglomerate Company Corporation Worldwide LLC, Inc. have "asked" us to run this legal notice in order to indemnify SMCCCWLI from any legal action taken on behalf of this site's readership. I tried to explain to them that we have no readership, but they were not dissuaded. Please read this message carefully, and then sign and date your monitor.

The views expressed on this website (hereinafter referred to as "this website") are solely mine as the lone individual writer, editor, and contributor. They are not necessarily the views of myself or my non-existent sponsors, and I cannot be held responsible for anything I say. This site's slogan, "The greatest achievement in human history," cannot be taken as a promise or guarantee of quality, and is also by the way a registered trademark. Don't check up on that, just take my word for it.

This website makes no assurance of accuracy in its mostly completely fabricated articles, even though they are all 100% true. It also makes no guarantee to the effect of providing humor or causing laughter, although it does recommend seeking professional counseling if you do not find it funny.

We are not responsible for lost or stolen items. Please keep all arms and legs securely inside the vehicle until the ride has come to a full and complete stop. You must be this tall to enter. This website should not be read by women who are pregnant or nursing, or who may become pregnant. Or by any women and also probably gay men who do not wish to become immediately and madly obsessed with me due to my awesomeness. I cannot be held responsible for any loss of work or sleep accrued due to this happening.

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Do not operate at temperatures of extreme hot or cold. This website is fully warrantied for parts and labor for the lesser of 30 seconds or 15,000 miles. Offer void in Connecticut and Massachusetts. For high-altitude areas, add two cups flour and reduce baking temperature to 325°. Made in Taiwan from imported material. Not for resale.

EMBRACE YOUR PASTINESS

2006-03-17T13:01:00.000-05:00

I have just spent the last five minutes composing this poem, so please don't hold it's lack of quality against me. In fact, lack of quality is pretty much what you should expect when you come here, so it's your own fault. I blame you.

Let's celebrate the Irish-
A cheery, playful bunch-
And drink a toast in honor
Of their motto: food, folks, and fun.

No, wait, that's just McDonald's
Which I guess is still ok.
After all, it is a gathering place
With a good ol' Irish name.

They do serve lots of potatoes,
And that's a pretty darn good start.
But they'd have to offer Guinness
To be Irish at the heart.

Anyway, it started years ago,
The celebration of this day,
When Patrick took the hill and
Told the snakes to go away.

The villagers were so happy
They took time off from their farms
And spent the whole day dancing
Without once moving their arms.

And soon young Michael Flatley
Out onto the stage did prance,
In his poofiest of shirt tops
And his tightest fitting pants.

And they drank away the evening
Till they really had to pee,
And when they left the river they
Found that yellow and blue make green.

But at nightfall they weren't finished
So they lit themselves a fire,
And as their glasses clanked in joy
They yelled "To Pat, to ale, to Eire!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

THE END IS NIGH

2006-03-14T12:17:00.000-05:00

So I'm beginning to grow a little concerned. I think torrential rain, followed by 65 and sunny, followed by snow might be one of the signs of the apocalypse. I'm a little rusty on the details. At the very least, I am certain of the fact that God is angry with us, because I find no other viable explanation for the existence of the film Date Movie.

I'm going to state on the record right now that it is probably the worst film I have ever seen. Some movies are so bad that you can make fun of them and thusly find them enjoyable in a certain way, ala MST3K. This movie skips right past that level and kicks it in the head on the way by.

It endeavours to reach new levels of profound un-funniness, as if the filmmakers have some sort of bizarre hatred for their audience and wish to render them incapable of speech or laughter ever again. Even most dramatic films have at least one scene, or even a single line of dialogue, that is more humorous than anything this movie puts on the screen. I have a deep-seated hatred for the commercials shown in movie theaters, but in this case I found myself hoping that perhaps the projector would malfunction and begin showing them instead of the feature presentation. Alas, it was not to be.

The movie clocks in at a brisk 80 minutes, which is much like saying that an hour of Chinese water torture is, technically, "not that long." I'm not certain what they could possibly have cut to get the film down to that time, judging by what was left in, but I do know that they should have kept cutting. I think the deleted scenes are probably stored in a locked briefcase handcuffed to the President's aide in case North Korea gets pushy.

The middle-ages were a harsh and brutal time, but I think that we must learn from what they got right. Perhaps if we round up the makers of this film and display their heads on pikes about the city, we can prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again. But probably not.

PREPARIN' FOR PATTY'S

2006-03-10T13:30:00.000-05:00

Well, it's exactly a week now to St. Patrick's Day, the time of year when they say everyone is a little Irish. I am already half Irish, of course, since I'm the product of a secret government project to combine the world's two coolest nationalities into one person. The result: awesome.

But I thought I would offer a few pointers to those of you who want to really go the extra mile in making yourself more Irish for next weekend. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Pay attention.

1) Lock yourself in a closet or some other small, windowless room. Don't look at the sun. Don't go near the sun. Don't even think about the sun. Buy some white makeup as a back-up plan.

2) While you're in there, you might as well start drinking now. There's nothing else for you to do, and it will help you accumulate the mild underlying buzz necessary to prepare for the real drinking to come. You may pass out a few times, but it's ok- that's just practice.

3) See if you can get your hair to do this. It's not really an Irish thing, but it is an amazing feat of nature to which we should all aspire. You will need a curling iron, some rollers, wire mesh, and paste.

4) Green is out. Festoon yourself completely in orange Friday morning and go for a stroll in your nearest Irish Catholic neighborhood. This will give you the authentic-looking bruises and black eye you'll need for your outfit. Then go change into green. I lied.

5) Bruised, disheveled, and buzzed, stumble down to your local parade and wander out into the middle of it, singing and dancing as though you belong with whatever group is happening by. Even if it's a high school marching band. "Borrow" a tuba and fake it. Or just sing along in a voice approximating what you think a tuba sounds like.

Congratulations! You've just experienced an authentic Irish St. Patrick's Day! Or, minus the parade, an authentic Irish weekday of any kind. Weekends are similar, but with more sleeping in.

THE RIGHT TO NOT REMAIN SILENT

2006-03-07T15:49:00.000-05:00

I'm going to deviate for one post, if you will allow me, from my normal format of humor. Don't worry, I promise I will keep it succinct. I just want to take a moment to touch on the recent confluence of two events, because both have been in the news of late, and I think there's a correlation here that many people are missing.

First is the recent news that the average American knows more about the Simpsons than the First Amendment. Sad, but not entirely surprising to anyone who has been paying attention. As Jimmy Kimmel points out, "Hey, if they ran the Constitution on TV eight times a day, we'd know it."

Second is the story of a high school geography teacher in Colorado who was recently placed on administrative leave following an incident where he compared President Bush to Hitler and made some unflattering remarks about capitalism and the good old USA. The problem here is that the debate surrounding this guy seems to have shifted away from the real focus, because the people discussing it just don't seem to understand.

I'll come right out and say that I disagree both with what he said and the manner and forum in which he chose to say it. The student/teacher relationship is a fragile one, and school is not the place to air one-sided opinions- especially those unrelated to the class at hand. And anyone who thinks this guy was right but gets up in arms over teaching creationism, you might as well bow out now and go argue with yourself. You cannot, as they say, have it both ways.*

The reason the argument has gotten off track is that it has suddenly become an issue of the teacher's First Amendment rights. And here's where we see just how many people have been busy watching the Simpsons. Not that I blame them; it's a great show. But people forget that freedom of speech does not mean you have the right to say anything you want, no matter what. There's a reason we have laws regarding libel and slander, why you can't yell "fire" in a crowded theater, and why you can't go in to work and sexually harass your colleagues. The reason laws exist in the first place is to govern the intersection of various people's rights, and freedom of speech is no different.

The man was not arrested nor charged with any crime for speaking his mind. He is entitled to his opinion on any subject, and he is entitled to express it. But there are and will always be limitations on when it is acceptable to express those views. If he had told the students that Jesse Jackson was a "filthy, trouble-making negro," we wouldn't be having this discussion. It would be obvious to everyone how completely inappropriate his comments were, and I can't see any right-minded person defending his right to make such remarks in a high school classroom.** But because his comments were about Bush, many people have chosen to ignore the facts and simply re-frame the debate as a struggle to protect rights he just doesn't have- ie, the right to make improper comments at work without consequences. And thus ends today's lesson.

*Needless to say, that goes equally for the opposite views. But I'm saying it anyway so we're all clear.
**Except probably the ACLU. They'll argue anything.

STUPID SPAM VII

2006-03-06T11:48:00.000-05:00

NARRATOR: Previously, on The Nonsensical and Confusing:
[Suburban house, exterior]
[Cut to: living room]
SKIPPY: I don't understand! You're saying that Jordan isn't my son?
DONNA: Of course not. Didn't you ever notice that he's black!?
SKIPPY: He is!? I always just thought the room was too dim. You mean I've been replacing all the light-bulbs in our house with brighter wattages for nothing?
DONNA: And you wonder why I've been sleeping with your best friend...
[Cut to: poorly lit back room of Italian restaurant]
CARLO: It's good to have you back in the family, Joey Asparagus. You have lifted the veil of shame you placed upon us and tossed it aside like a soiled kleenex into the trashcan of life, forever removed to the garbage dump of history, left only to decompose into the compost heap of forgiveness. We will not forget your generous actions on our behalf.
JOEY: But I haven't actually killed that D.A. yet, boss. I smudged the note you gave me with tomato sauce, so I came to ask if this part says he lives in San Jose or San Juan.
CARLO: [to bodyguard] Will you please shoot him?
[Cut to: interior, grocery store]
ROSE: But it can't be! You're dead! I pushed, er, I mean watched you fall down the elevator shaft myself!
PARKER: No, you only thought you did! You see, unbeknownst to anyone, I was kidnapped and held hostage by my conveniently-never-before-mentioned evil twin brother! When he died, I was left alone, without food and water for three years! Eventually, I managed to gnaw off all my arms and legs and escape!
ROSE: But you look fine!
PARKER: Of course! You forget that I am a world-renowned adventurer and neural surgeon! I pulled myself upstairs with my teeth and then used my nostrils to sew my limbs back on with dental floss!
ROSE: You know, I thought I detected the faint scent of mint.

Producers Note: Due to the length of time needed to recap this show's convoluted storyline, we regret to inform you that there is no time left for today's program. Tune in again tomorrow for another episode. But now, stay tuned for Stupid Spam.

Let us surprise you with our discounts for popular health goods!
Way to ruin the surprise, genius.

Prepare for the future and buy some gold.
Ah, yes. Prepare for the future by purchasing a commodity they stopped using to back anything a hundred years ago.

I know you have high cholesterol
Is this your attempt at blackmail?

Every man must have a sex! MUST!!!
Yes, they're usually "male."

A home gym let's you lift your spirits by lifting weights.
Until you realize how weak and pathetic you are and become more depressed than ever.

A credit card is a must...because you never know when an emergency might happen.
At which point you can use your credit card like a throwing star to disarm your adversaries. Start practicing!

Keep up to date with market news
Did you hear, they just added a new kind of yogurt in the dairy section!

Find the best dryer for your hair.
I find the Maytag works well, but I'm always a little dizzy when I get out.

Storage options for your wine collection.
What for, it already comes in a box.

give the ladies what they want
Purses?

GANGSTA CHEF

2006-03-04T16:13:00.000-05:00

Feeling lazy one night last week, I opted to prepare dinner using some Pasta-Roni I had handy. I was surprised to learn that apparently whoever wrote up the directions must have gone to school with Nelly.* It's too bad none of the steps involved shaking anything, because I imagine he would have had a field day with that.

*My apologies to Nelly for implying that he went to school.

BSN EDITORIAL: WELL NOW YOU'VE GONE AND DONE IT

2006-03-02T12:08:00.000-05:00

By Ivan P. Kosavinsky, Ph.D. (AKA Dr. Chaos)

You've really gone and done it now, haven't you? I told you not to push the button. I made it big and red and put a glass case over it and wrote "Do Not Touch" in giant letters. But you just had to go and push it, didn't you?

Now our months of evil planning and hard work are about to go up in smoke, quite literally, and all we can do is stand by and watch in horror as the flames engulf us both. I hope you're satisfied. No giant attack robots unleashed on New York, no mutant crocodile-shark hybrids terrorizing the seas, not even one single person eating our special ice-cream that's labeled "vanilla" but actually tastes like dirt.

Not once will the citizens of London flee from the pack of rats outfitted with tiny collars that play Christmas music on a continuous loop. Gone are the brilliant plans to kidnap Donald Trump's hairpiece for ransom. And never shall our new Urkle-oriented sitcom see the light of day. It would have caused riots!

Perhaps this is all my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have made the button so tempting and forbidden. Maybe I should have added a way to abort the self-destruct sequence when I designed it. Maybe I should have evacuated with everyone else half an hour ago when the countdown was initiated, instead of yelling at you. Maybe I never should have trusted a Northern Ugandan claw-footed rhesus monkey to run the control panel.

Are you listening to me, Mr. Snickles!?! Stop that, you know you cannot have the banana until I'm finished lecturing you. Don't pretend you don't know that! To think, I trusted you. You were like a small, hairy son to me!

Where are you going? Sneaking out the exhaust vent, eh! You know I can't fit through there, you tiny bastard! Don't leave me behind! We were supposed to rule the world together! And now there are mere moments unt

NUGGETS OF WISDOM™ 2

2006-03-01T14:24:00.000-05:00

Today, another bit of my cryptic, fortune-cookie-esque sageness. Is it a metaphor, or just good sanitation advice? Frankly, I'm not really sure myself.

If you don't want crumbs in your keyboard, don't eat lunch at your desk.

MY MUSCLES ARE SO LARGE I CANNOT BUTTON MY SHIRT

2006-02-21T14:23:00.000-05:00

No, it's not a short phrase describing myself. Although, it is kind of true. Or maybe it's just because I purchased that shirt at the Baby GAP. Who's to say, really?

It is, however, something I might submit as an entry to this page of Photoshopped romance novel covers, if I felt like spending the time on it. Make sure you click to the page of reader submissions as well. And if you do not laugh out loud at least once, consider medication.

CARNATION INSTANT SICKNESS

2006-02-17T13:24:00.000-05:00

On my drive in to work this morning, I heard a commercial for Carnation Instant Breakfast, which I was surprised to discover still existed. Actually, it wasn't a real commercial, it was one of those ads read personally by the show's host, in an attempt to fill the five minutes of space in between the other commercials. At this stage, I would say that programmers are pretty close to achieving their goal of removing actual content from the radio completely. Some day, each station will come back from commercials just long enough to tell us who will be sponsoring the 30 seconds of traffic and weather they promise is coming up soon, right after these messages.

But the reason I'm writing is because I have a serious problem with this Carnation product. First of all, and let's just get this out of the way, nobody should be drinking their breakfast unless they are an alcoholic. Even then, maybe consider tossing some Kahlua and NutriSlim together for a handy morning cocktail. According to the table settings for all those sugary cereals, you could probably consider it "part of a complete breakfast." It would, of course, be the "unnecessary" part.

My second complaint is that, if memory serves me, the Carnation stuff tastes awful. I recall from my experience a flavor falling somewhere between chalk and stale Pepto-Bismol (a product I once described as both "peptabulous" and "bismolicious" - but that's only when it's fresh). It's like those awful children's medicines that they color a nice, vibrant purple in order to convince kids that it will taste something even remotely like "grape." It will not. But it works anyway, because children are stupid.

This is why most products marketed at kids are, in reality, only similar to their Saturday commercial counterparts in the sense that they are both composed of molecules. Yet, time and time again, said children will pester their parents relentlessly until they purchase the new, improved Ultra Mega Ranger Guy Fortress of Destruction playset.* Until the product arrives at their door, they remain convinced that it will instantly grant them various super powers, such as flight or x-ray vision, the latter of which they would not fully appreciate until puberty.

The only medicine I recall liking as a child was that pink liquid stuff (not Pepto-Bismol), which I found delightful. I'm allergic to it now, but I would risk it. So I think that perhaps Carnation should aim their product at children, but I hope they don't figure that out, because I am planning to enter that market myself with a drink I call Frucolate Milk. It is, as the name suggests, the wholesome goodness of milk fortified with the energy of high-fructose corn syrup. Perhaps you can guess that I invented this in college. It will come in various flavors, ranging from chocolate to "grape."

I went scouting for shelf space at the grocery store recently, trying to figure out the best location for product placement. I got distracted by the Hostess display, however, and while trying to talk myself out of purchasing Ho-Ho's (I wonder if they've contacted Christina Aguilera for an endorsement deal...) I noticed that apparently these products actually have an expiration date. Naturally, I was shocked by this discovery.

I had always assumed that some day, thousands of years in the future, aliens would land on earth and assume Twinkies to be the dominant life form on the planet, scattered alone amongst the nuclear wreckage. I would also not be surprised if they had evolved legs by then. So you can see that this throws a major wrench into my health plan, which had previously been to consume so many Hostess-based preservatives that I would never die. If I got tired of living, after a few hundred years, I would just drink some Carnation Instant Breakfast.

*Some assembly required

STUPID OLYMPIC EVENTS

2006-02-13T12:48:00.000-05:00

Well, it's that time of every 2 to 4 years again. The opening ceremonies were action packed, which was to be expected because Italians are awesome; no bias there. People dressed like trees, guys with rocket backpacks, a Ferrari- classics, all. There were some minor mishaps, though, like when the Polish flag bearer emerged holding his pole upside down. Or later, when several Arab countries tried to sit in the Israeli athletes' section. I hear they lost some of their own seats when they were removed. But all in all, a good show.

In honor of the games, I thought I would present my list of the winter events I find entirely useless. If the IOC decides to take my advice and cut some of this dead weight, perhaps I can interest them in a sport I call Super Flaming Deathball 5000. It's very versatile, since at this point it consists of mostly just the name. And a flaming ball of some kind. Strangely, I've been selling this idea to people for years, and so far no takers.

Ice Dancing
No, I'm not going to question anyone's sexuality here. Any adult male who could go out in public wearing skintight pants and a poofy, open-chested shirt is a bigger man than I. But we've already got this event covered with pairs skating. I'm not sure what the point of this watered down version is, but the only benefit I can see is not having to worry about what the hell the difference is between a "lutz" and a "sow-cow." Scientists are still working on that one, by the way. I'm just waiting for the inevitable ABC spin-off Ice Dancing With the Stars.

Curling
Screw that, man. I don't like sweeping that much in the first place- I'm sure as hell not going to condone it as a recreational activity. Besides, any sport that Canadians manage to dominate is clearly not drawing that much competition. If they're going to keep this stupid event, they should at least spruce it up a bit by switching to vacuums.

Biathlon
Maybe walking around in skis while shooting a rifle is a handy skill if you're GI Joe, but for everyone else it is simply ridiculous. What's the matter, NRA members, you can't stop shooting stuff long enough to take a ski vacation? In a related bit of trivia, Dick Cheney tried out for the team this year, but his marksmanship was found lacking.

Cross Country
It's like the biathlon, without the excitement of accidental death lurking just around the corner. They should simply rename this sport what it is: Walking With Skis On. When your drunk friend does it, it's hilarious; when your sober friend does it, they add it to the Olympics. Of course, you would have to be inebriated to think that making an ordinary task more difficult by strapping equipment to yourself qualifies as an athletic event in the first place. Or maybe they just all missed the first day of ski instruction: take a hint, guys, there's a reason everyone else on skis is going downhill.

Luge/Skeleton
It's 2006. Get a car already. Grown men going sledding by themselves is not a sport, it's just pathetic. And slightly creepy. Besides, when did doing the same thing from two different positions become enough to qualify as separate events? Maybe they should consider a new speed skating event where they go around the track in the other direction.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE, I WOULDN'T HAVE SPENT THAT YEAR IN COLLEGE

2006-02-06T14:26:00.000-05:00

I saw some news last week that one of the Comedy Central stand-up specials (Dane Cook, to be precise) had surpassed Lost for the top download spot among iTunes' TV offerings. Dane Cook is a moron, though, so I'm going to urge you to check out Lewis Black's video instead. If you have iTunes installed, clicky clicky to visit the page.

BSN: BUSH NAMES TEXAS 'STATE OF THE UNION'

2006-02-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, DC- In a surprising turn of events last night, President George W. Bush decided to forgo the traditional State of the Union Address format in favor of a pageant competition. "There's lots of bad news on TV every night," he said, "we don't need to spend these two hours discussing more of it." Instead, Bush was joined on stage by guest host Regis Philbin, who assisted in handing out the award statues the president termed "Little Dudes."

Grumbling could be heard from the Democrats in attendance, though not all of them disagreed with the arrangement. "Most of us thought it was shaping up to be a fun night, actually," recalled Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). "We just decided to get our legally required quota of loud dissatisfied-sounding noises out of the way so we could enjoy ourselves." Republicans quickly followed suit, fulfilling their own requirements by standing to applaud wildly for no apparent reason.

As the evening progressed, Bush handed out awards in several categories of his own devising. The night's big winner was Texas, which, in addition to being named the 2005 'State of the Union,' took home awards for 'Most Texas-like State' and 'Best State Not to Mess With.'

Tennessee followed close behind with a pair of wins, including 'State That Most Reminds Me of Kenny Rodgers.' A handful of scattered boos followed the presentation of that award, but President Bush angrily squinted his eyes and shot back, "That's a very important quality in a state."

To no one's surprise, heavy favorite California took home this year's award for 'State I Would Sell to Mexico If They Had Enough Money.' Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) said he felt snubbed by his state's loss in that category, but added "At least there was an open bar." Later, the president awarded 'State That Talks Funniest' to England and named The Dukes of Hazzard 'Best Picture of the Year.'

TEN MOVIES OF 2005

2006-01-30T12:49:00.000-05:00

Editor's note: I am in no way qualified to write a "best movies" list. Neither are half the people who actually do so, but at least I am willing to admit it. Instead, please enjoy this list of ten randomly selected movies that came out last year. The curious among you may wish to note that I have compiled this list using a sophisticated "eeny meeny miney mo" algorithm. But I don't want to get all technical on you, so here's the main event.

Crash
I have not seen this film, but I do know that it was directed by a man named Haggis, which is also a disgusting food-like substance consumed by the Scots. Do not ask what is in this concoction if you desire to ever eat again, or have any wish to retain what little respect you can have for a culture of men who wear skirts without underwear.

Hide and Seek
I didn't see this movie, either, but I think I can guess what the plot is. Presumably, whoever was tagged 'it' near the end of the film will star in the sequel. Ironically, this was released the same day as Alone in the Dark, a film apparently named for the situation experienced by anyone who went to see it.

Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Surprise, it's another movie I didn't catch. I'm going to go ahead and assume this film is the biography of Al Sharpton.

XXX: State of the Union
Starring Chesty McMuffins, with Dick Fitzwell as the president. Wait, this had Ice Cube in it? Oh. Nevermind, I guess I didn't see this one either.

Revenge of the Sith
A much better film than it's predecessor. Sadly, unlike that film, it did not contain a monologue about disliking sand. But actors trying to do a love scene while using the word "Naboo" is still pretty good.

Are We There Yet?
Because two hours of your own kids asking that question isn't enough. By the way, Hollywood is officially out of ideas. Which explains...

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Proof that the people who greenlight these films are not forced to watch them. Nor have they graduated from business school if they saw this as a solid investment opportunity.

Rent
I'm looking forward to the sequel, Condominium, where a group of people fret about property lines and deal with the struggles of getting board approval for their satellite dishes.

Monster-in-Law
Something tells me that the phrase "from the people who brought you Monster-in-Law" will probably not be appearing on posters for other films in the future.

Layer Cake
I'm told it was delicious. Although the frosting was a little sweet.

BSN: SCIENTISTS FEAR TV MERGER COULD DESTROY UNIVERSE

2006-01-26T12:40:00.000-05:00

BURBANK- Earlier this week, struggling television networks UPN and The WB announced that they would merge into one new network, The CW, citing programming and financial considerations for the move. Wall Street responded well to the news among speculation that the new network may be better equipped to challenge for viewers. Today, however, there comes criticism of the move from an unlikely source: world-renowned physicists.

The group Scientists Who Are Smarter Than You, issued a statement begging network honchos to call off the deal for the sake of humanity. "We fear that this combination may create a vacuum of talent and viewership so strong that the earth itself will be sucked in," wrote SWASTY president Dr. Jorn Svrgrkrgrbrbl. "A network featuring Girlfriends and Living With Fran simply cannot be allowed to exist."

Dr. Svrgrkrgrbrbl said he believes the two networks should be shut down altogether, their broadcasting equipment scattered to the far corners of the earth. "Sure, they have a couple good shows between them," he wrote, "but those could easily be moved to FOX, where they would be quickly cancelled." He stressed the urgency in his group's pleas, stating, "We narrowly survived that MTV show with Andy Dick last summer, let's not push our luck."

In a conference call this afternoon, SWASTY spokesman Ngan Wang-Chung reiterated his boss's earlier sentiments. "We firmly believe that a comedy block of Related and Half & Half is the sort of nuclear scenario we have feared all along. And what if they start combining shows? One on One Tree Hill? Seventh Heaven Smackdown? It would be an abomination against God. But, at this point, we would put nothing past them. Just look at the new name they chose. It does not inspire us with confidence in their decision-making abilities."

Wang-Chung ended the call with a warning to other networks that his organization would not rest in its pursuit to rid the world of dangerously bad programming lineups. "Look out, NBC," he said. "We are coming for you."

WASTED OPPORTUNITIES

2006-01-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

So earlier today word spread that Disney had finalized a deal to acquire Pixar, earning Steve Jobs a seat on the board and making him Disney's largest single shareholder. That's all well and good, especially if it saves us from someday having to witness the direct-to-DVD Disney release Toy Story 8: Shamelessly Bastardizing a Franchise. But I can't help being saddened by the timing of this news. I mean, just months ago there would have been a great joke in there somewhere about Mickey Mouse being redesigned with only one button. Dammit.

BSN: FORD LAYS OFF 'JOB ONE'

2006-01-24T12:27:00.000-05:00

Quality "not that important to us," says automaker

DETROIT- In the wake of recent news that the Ford Motor Company would cut as many as 30,000 jobs by summer, the car maker confirmed today that Job One would be among them. In a press release issued late yesterday afternoon, officials confirmed what many analysts had been expecting. "Bad tires, exploding cars- I think we've all seen this coming for years now," said one.

Ford said that the layoff was necessary, given the circumstances. "We haven't done that well with the whole quality thing before," company spokesman Jack Johnson said, "so just imagine how difficult it would be now that we no longer have any employees."

Officials also felt the move would earn some good will with the unions. "They always complain about lower level employees getting the axe while executives remain safe," said Johnson. "Well, there is no higher level employee than number one." Johnson also discussed the new program Ford set up to benefit the laid off workers, called "You Could Still Volunteer If You Really Wanted To," referring to it as "generous."

"Just imagine how much free time these people are going to have now," he said. "You think it sounds fun, but then you realize that you get bored pretty fast when you really have nothing to do. Nobody understands that better than high level executives, so they wanted to help. This way, if anybody really gets bored, they can still come back and assemble cars to pass the time."

Ford also yesterday announced it's latest effort to cut costs, a new model line called the Big Ugly Box Thing, constructed entirely from cardboard and plastic wrap. Analysts expect the "car" to get excellent gas mileage, as it has no engine.

STUPID SPAM VI

2006-01-18T12:45:00.000-05:00

Congratulations on your purchase of our fine Product. We hope that you will enjoy many trouble free years with your Product, which is made so well that you will never need another one, eventually leading to our company's bankruptcy. But we think it is worth it to bring you the very best Product imaginable in Category. To ensure that your Product is setup and functioning correctly from the start, please read the following instructions carefully:

it's on the house
I've been looking for that damn Frisbee!

i have tried to make contact
Me too, but I don't think I put enough extra tin foil on my antenna tower, because it hasn't worked yet.

Visit Yosemite and breathe in wilderness.
Because nothing smells better than wild animals. Mmm, refreshing!

You're still smoking?
Why, thank you.

College Babes Do it Good
I'm surprised you know, since you've obviously never been there.

Two studs screwing on video
Brokeback Mountain?

hydro shipped next day air
Wouldn't it be more appropriate to send it by water?

real drugs can loose weight
That's actually true. I mean, you never see fat meth addicts.

He just left here all by myself again
I'm not sure that's physically possible.

Have you seen what Sprint is up to?
I knew we couldn't trust those sneaky bastards.

THIS IS NO GAME

2006-01-17T16:18:00.000-05:00

Today, I bring you a very thought provoking article from Mr. Jack Handey. Read it, try to understand it, but don't, because it is beyond our understanding. The man is a genius.

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT, GENTLY DOWN THE STREET

2006-01-05T12:59:00.000-05:00

From the Better Late Than Never Department, I bring you this. I meant to post it when it happened, but it slipped my mind until I recently rediscovered it. The article, not my mind. I'm still looking for that.

Anyway, back in mid October, there was some flooding in New Jersey. We can only hope some detergent and a good strong scrubbing were also involved. But the odd thing here is one reporter's segment for The Today Show, during which she paddled around in a canoe to show just how serious the situation was. It almost worked, too, except for those two guys who walked in front of her, clearly in mere inches of water. Props to Matt Lauer and Katie Couric, though, for laughing hysterically at her afterwards.

Later, I can only surmise, she probably gave Matt a stern lecture about Brooke Shields and knowing "the history of psychology." Or maybe only Tom Cruise does that, I don't know.

THE YEAR IS DEAD. LONG LIVE THE YEAR.

2006-01-03T12:06:00.000-05:00

I've always been told that if you don't have something nice to say about somebody, you shouldn't say anything at all. But I was never that good with directions, so: screw you, 2005. You sucked.

But after a pair of Browns and Buckeyes victories this past weekend, 2006 has so far been a great year for me, at least football-wise. Not so good for Maurice Clarett, though. At least now we know he can still run!

Hey, Mo, maybe you should ask Damon Stringer for some pointers.

THE FIRST NOEL

2005-12-23T11:22:00.000-05:00

Some people these days complain that Christmas has become too much about presents- that the true spirit of the season has been forgotten. I thought a good way to recapture that spirit would be to visit once again the story of the very first Christmas. It so happens that I recently purchased an original copy of the Dead Sea Scrolls on eBay last week and set about translating them myself. You'll have to keep in mind that my ancient language skills are a little rusty, so some of my translating might be a bit off. But I think I got the gist of it. Now I am proud to present you with the real story of that first Christmas.

The year was 1492 BC, and America was in its darkest days. Slavery, state's rights, and economic disparity threatened to plunge the country into revolutionary war. Searching desperately for any strategy to avoid this, President Abraham Lincoln prayed to the Lord for guidance. The Lord heard his prayer and told Lincoln that He would provide him the answer, but first the president must prove his loyalty by sacrificing his son on the mountain. President Lincoln informed the Lord that he did not have any children, and the Lord must be thinking of a different Abraham. The Lord sheepishly checked His records and concurred.

Desperate to save face, God offered to send his only son down to guide Lincoln in his quest. The president had recently spent some time crossing back and forth across the Potomac for a famous painting, as they did not have photography back then and the commissioned artist lacked imagination. During this time, Lincoln had done much thinking about boats, because he was on one and he also lacked imagination. He decided that perhaps they could simply ship the southern states across the ocean on a boat and be done with it, a decision that Northerners to this day still regret not following through on.

And so it was that Jesus came to lead an expedition across the sea to find a suitable place in Europe for relocation. It was a daring plan, because Europe had not yet even been discovered. During the big launch party, Jesus had turned the ocean into wine, and the resulting drunkenness of the crew made navigating difficult. Jesus was forced to walk ahead of the ship and make sure they did not hit anything. The voyage took many months and featured several exciting encounters with sea monsters and various groups of sirens. At one point, weeks in, First Mate Moses decided the trip would be much easier without all that water, and so parted the sea before them, forgetting they were in a boat. A young captain named Noah saved the day, however, with his expertise in the dry-docking of ships.

Eventually they came upon the edge of the world, and nearly fell off but for some vigorous backwards rowing. By this point, Jesus had grown tired of the journey and decided to make the world round and invent Europe right there, making its discovery much easier. They made land (literally, in Jesus' case) and set up their camp at Plymouth Rock, later to be a wholly-owned subsidiary of Daimler-Chrysler Rock.

Soon they came upon the Indians, or Native Americans as they are now legally required to be called, who taught them how to make popcorn and also a spicy dish of bean sprouts and curry. The winter was bleak and harsh, and Jesus lamented not having made Europe more tropical. Thankfully, the Indians were experts at survival, despite having been created only days earlier out of thin air, and provided much needed aid and comfort during those times.

When spring broke, they set about exploring the continent, briefly conquering France despite their protestations that they had no weapons and did not really want it. Finding no suitable area for NASCAR racetracks, and thus no acceptable habitat for Southerners, they were eventually forced to admit defeat and set sail for home.

They arrived, crestfallen, and reported to the White House to explain the bad news. After telling of their journey, they attempted to distract Lincoln from their failure by showering him with gifts of lopsided homemade pottery and ugly ties. He pretended enthusiasm, not wanting to hurt their feelings, and thus was born the Christmas tradition we continue to this very day.

NUGGETS OF WISDOM™

2005-12-20T18:42:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, many intellectually astute thoughts often pop into your mind- pieces of brilliance so enlightening they could have been written by Confucius himself, if he were more of a smart ass. But you are not like me, and I look down on you because of it. Nevertheless, out of the goodness of my heart I have decided to occasionally share with you these Nuggets of Wisdom (trademark pending). Cherish them, write them down, compile them into one of those daily calendar thingies and make millions. Whatever you'd like. So without further ado, ponder this:

You will never know what you can't do, until you try to do something and die.

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS!

2005-12-09T12:40:00.000-05:00

You just have to wonder what sort of trouble Ronald's gotten himself into now. Maybe it has something to do with this. Or perhaps this little incident. Sure, the reporter claims there's no relation, but with all this evidence piling up I'm starting to wonder. I mean, the guy does hang out with the Hamburglar. Not exactly a solid influence on an innocent young clown. Here's hoping he gets his floppy red shoes pointed back down the right path. I'm sure we'll all be praying for him.

AGING MY WAY INTO HISTORY

2005-11-18T12:41:00.000-05:00

You know, I'm pretty good at math, but I admit that I lost count of how many times as a kid my mom calmly said to me, "James Logan Viviani you better stop that (or, alternately, "put that down") right this instant if you want to make it to your next birthday." The middle name, of course, means business. Nonetheless, to everyone's shock and, I can only assume, joy, I have managed to make my twenty-fifth consecutive birthday in a row (a personal best). I'm thinking of counting the actual day I was born on a technicality, which would give me twenty-six so far. But I'm afraid the people at the Guinness Book would frown on that, and I want to do this fair and square. So everyone raise your glass and drink a toast to a quarter century of my awesomeness. Sure, I haven't done much yet. But buckle up your seatbelts, folks. I'm just getting started.

I'M MOVING THERE

2005-11-16T13:55:00.000-05:00

It has come to my realization that somewhere in the world it is, at this very moment, time to go home from work. I bet if I got on a plane right now I could make it in time for happy hour. This plan is fool-proof! Of course, I am not your ordinary level of fool...

THAT'S ALL YOU NEED FOR A PARTY

2005-11-14T15:10:00.000-05:00

You know, Maine, I'm disappointed in you. I would have expected this sort of thing from West Virginia, but I thought you were better than that. Creepy loners who don't know how to socialize with other human beings, sure... but not this. I am sad.

MASTERPIECEMEAL THEATRE

2005-11-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

You know, there's a funny thing about humor. Shut up, I know. Anyway, it's also true of great writing, which is that it can at times be almost completely dependant on language in order to be effective. As anyone who has ever told a joke incorrectly can attest (I've had to ask other people about that), a word change here and a varied phrase there can throw the whole thing right out of funny. A novel with a terrific premise but written with all the maturity of a third-grader will be quickly forgotten. Well, no, I take that back. These days it would probably wind up on the New York Times Bestseller List. But I digress. The point is, most books undergo numerous translations around the world, and I have often wondered how much of the original work's true spirit remains in tact through the process. So I have decided to test this out myself, by using an online translation tool to translate classic passages of literature into other languages and then back again into English. The results, my friends, are wondrous!

Episode One: This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald

[Cue pretentious classical music]
[In very bad British accent:] Good evening, and welcome to Masterpiecemeal Theatre. Shut up, I know. In tonight's premiere episode, we bring to you, by way of German, the classic tale of coming of age in the socialite circles of a post-WWI America. Or, at least, the opening paragraph.

Amory Blaine took over each characteristic, excluded Streuinexpressible few, from its nut/mother which educated him worthwhile. His father, an ineffective, inarticulate man with a taste for Byron and a habit of Drowsing over the encyclopedia Britannica, grew with thirty by the death of two older brothers, successful Chicago mediators wealthy, and in first even this feeling was the world its, went, holding port and met Beatrice O'Hara. Consequently Stephen Blaine handed down to the Posterity its height of straight under six foot and to its tendency over more waver on the crucial moments, these two abstractions, which appear in its son Amory. For many years schwob he in the background of its family life, a unassertive illustration with a face, which was half-wiped out by the liveless, silky hair, continual occupies, if he used "the Obacht" of his wife, continual harassed by the idea, which he could not understand not and her.

STUPID SPAM V

2005-10-21T12:18:00.000-04:00

It was a dark and stormy night as Jasper Worthington Huffenbottom III sat silently in his study. The lightning flashed outside, overpowering the room's own lamps and causing a start from its tenant. He stared anxiously at the telephone, willing it to ring and bring an end to his thusly prolonged torment. Suddenly it did, jarring Huffenbottom's nerves the way such things always do when a person is waiting for them.

Nervousness mounting, he quickly snatched the receiver up and clasped it to his ear. "Hello!?," he cried.

"Mr Huffenbottom? This is the police." Relief flashed briefly across his face. "We've traced the obnoxiously stupid e-mail solicitations you've been receiving. They're coming from... inside your house!"

Horror overtook every last of Huffenbottom's nerves, and he cried out as he suddenly heard the familiar refrain from his desk: "Welcome! You've got mail!"

USA shamed by Canada
Don't you mean "ashamed of?" No wait, that would imply that we think about Canada.

Attention Women! Find Designer shoes on sale.
As though women need any help finding a shoe sale.

Each strand is just one more comfy reason for shag rugs.
No, no. There's no reason for shag rugs.

It's been the tradition in every family at all times...
Ah, yes- the drunken uncle who makes an ass of himself at Christmas...

You don't know me from Adam.
Oh, then who introduced us?

everything gets wet here
Seattle?

Easy, simple, and fast - distance learning is right for you.
Is that like when my mom holds a book out at arm's length to read it?

Babe gets wild sex at the supermarket
That doesn't sound sanitary.

Do you want to be happy?
No, I'd like to be bitter and angry, but thanks for asking.

Illuminate your dining room with a crystal chandelier.
You don't think it will look out of place over my table from Wal-Mart?

BSN: CRUISE, HOLMES EXPECTING FUTURE PRESS RELEASE

2005-10-06T12:28:00.000-04:00

HOLLYWOOD- At a brief press conference yesterday, film stars Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced that they are expecting a baby. "I'm just so totally super excited," said Cruise. "I can't tell you how long I've wanted to have a child." Reminded of his other children, Cruise responded "Yeah, but they don't really count. They're adopted."

"We are so happy to be here," Holmes chimed in. "Neither of us have been in the news since early summer, so this is just perfect timing." She went on to say that she is thrilled at the prospect of becoming a new mom. "Look for Batman Begins on DVD next week," she added.

Cruise announced that he is planning a world tour in celebration of the news. Ten people from around the globe will receive a surprise visit at their homes, where the star will personally jump up and down on their living room sofa.

When the couple first became an item, Holmes had expressed interest in bearing Cruise's child, adding a distinct level of creepiness with her description of having watched Cruise's movies as a young girl. Many experts at the time doubted a pregnancy would ever occur, citing Cruise's homosexuality as a determining factor.

Later, the star explained that he had used his newly acquired "Level IX Impregnating" skills gained at a recent Scientology conference. "The powers of Xenu cannot keep us from repopulating Teegeeak with our brood," exclaimed Cruise, before being shoved off-stage by his publicist. She returned to explain that Mr. Cruise had suddenly taken ill and would be unable to continue his rant.

Despite the generally happy mood of the conference, some technical problems did plague the event. Early on, organizers were unable to lower the microphone to Cruise's level, and photographers later complained that glare from his giant fake smile was wreaking havoc with their pictures. "You can see in this one, there's just a big white spot where his face should be," demonstrated one. "It even partially obscures Katie's elbow."

In Las Vegas, odds-makers are currently giving the edge to Popsicle Dawson Cruise as the most probable name. Some experts, however, point out that we are unlikely to ever know the child's name, as most pregnancies take longer then fifteen minutes.

THE ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE

2005-10-02T22:27:00.000-04:00

Well, actually, the roof is gone. At any rate, you all know by now that I don't generally post about the goings on of my life, but I thought I'd make an exception this time. Earlier this year, my firm purchased a building that was to become our future international headquarters. Except for the international part. I had the obligation privilege of working on the various stages of this project for the last several months. Last week, much to all of our surprise, it burst into flames in the middle of the night and required 18 fire companies to put out the triple three alarm blaze that resulted. It really isn't funny, but I guess it's one of those times that you just have to laugh anyway, because there's not much else to do. Except eat ice cream. That usually helps any situation. So in the meantime, we mourn the passing of a grand old building and count our blessings that no one was inside at the time. Here's to the future, my friends. Pass the chocolate chip.

REALITY SQUARED

2005-09-14T12:59:00.000-04:00

Listen closely, my friends. Shhh... shhh... quiet... That sound you hear is the whoosh of air caused by all the matter of the universe rushing into a tiny singularity point and disappearing forever. What manner of events could cause the entire universe to implode, you ask? Eh em... I said, you ask. That's better. Well let me tell you.

Apparently MTV has a new reality show. I know, I know, when do they find time to fit such things into their schedule, chocked full as it is with all those music videos they show. But they have managed, and the results are catastrophic. You see, this isn't just a "regular" reality show. MTV has decided to give a reality show to some Average Joe off the streets. I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I'm willing to bet that this ordinary person will be young, attractive, and some shade of blonde. Call it a hunch.

Now if you were a television executive and someone pitched this show to you, you would most likely laugh in their face. "That's stupid," you would say, "get out of my office." This is why you will never be a television executive. Because a real television executive would say, "That is the best idea I have ever heard." Followed by, "Hey, why don't we make another reality show about the search for this ordinary person who will get a reality show." And finally, "Do you think we could get Andy Dick to host it?" Perhaps because that person has never seen him in anything other than NewsRadio, but more likely because that person is a television executive.

And so it was- a reality show, about a reality show about an average person, starring Andy Dick. As you can clearly see, this violates several of the most sacred laws of physics, causing the impending destruction of all known galaxies. So enjoy the time you have left, people, because the world is clearly not long for this... um, world. And no, I will not tell you the name of the aforementioned show, lest you try to watch and consequently have your head explode. That would be the easy way out.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for the meeting about my new show Chimpy McJungle the Talking Chimp Who Talks and Shares an Island With Several Hot Stranded Girls in Bikinis. Starring a monkey, but not - and here's the twist - in the title role. I'm pretty sure it will get the green-light.

BSN EDITORIAL: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ALL THEM FEREIGNERS?

2005-09-07T12:13:00.000-04:00

By William Joseph Robert "Billy Joe Bob" de la Vandenkamp III

Boy, I'll tell you hwat: I'm just so derned tired a all them fereigners every-wer. Used to be bad enough when they was all over the whole world, but hell 'f dey ain't invadin' our sacred country these days. We ain't even figured out how ta git ridda them blacks yet, and here we's got a new problem.

Why just tother day I decided to truck on over to the Interstate Lube 'N' Food fer a ol change and some pork rinds. And danged but hwen I got there I seen one a them Chinesey folk working on cars. Like a Chinesey folk knows the first thing 'bout fixin' a Mehrican car.

Well I walked right on up to that feller and axed 'im which a them countries or der he's from, and he says "New York." Dang fool don't even know tha dif'rence 'tween a country and a nation. But I jest let that go 'cause I seen his nametag there said his name was "George." 'Course I axed him, "Ain't it supposed to be Xong Gong Lee Kung Fu or some shit like that?" He told me dat der was his last name, but I think he was lyin'. So now I gotta take smart ass lip from a Chinesey. Ain't that sumpin.

So I figger he's some sorta spy or sumpin 'cause he got this funny accent. Don't sound like us proper folks 'round here, that's fer shore. He tawks too much like them fellers on the TV, which is proberbly due to his spy trainin' classes. He tells me he's workin' his way through college down here, but a course I wager he's just snoopin' 'round doin' that reconnasiance stuff them spies do. It ain't that good a cover story, neither, since I'm shore it wouldn't be legal fer him ta go to college on account a 'cause 1) he's a spy and b) he's Chinesey.

But anyway, I shore ain't gonna go der anymore seein' as how they's so easily duped. I know this other lil place doh, where I can watch NASCAR on a big ol' TV set, must be some-wer 'round a 27 incher. Theys this fat ugly chick works the bar der, and she ain't much to look at. But at least I'm pretty shore she's a Mehrican.

STUPID SPAM IV

2005-08-29T14:03:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentleman and children of all ages, step right up and take a seat here in the Stupid Spam Auditorium! You're just in time for today's show! Don't be shy, crowd on in, there's plenty of room for everyone! More than enough, really, because I see there aren't very many of you today. In fact, where the hell is everyone? Marty, can you check out in the hall? No? Nobody out there? Huh. Well... uh... I guess we'll just get started then.

$100 of Starbucks FREE!
Awesome, so I can get, like... a small mocha.

Business cards are what they'll remember you by...
Oh, thank goodness! I was afraid they'd remember me as the guy whose fly was open during his presentation.

Jesus wants you to save
Look everyone, I got financial advice from the Lord!

Which free Hawaii vacation is right for you?
Boy, how will I ever choose? Does one of them go to Hawaii? I'll take that one.

Only about 1 in 100 girls can do this.
What is "Get ready in under an hour," Alex.

Enjoy Complimentary Ice Cream
That's ok, as long as it tastes good I don't really care how friendly it is. Zing!

Parents - Get Your Kids An Air Rocket
Yes, because all parents know they can't get their kids enough toys with "rocket" in the name.

Printed postcards are STILL the best mail campaigns available!
I see, well thanks for telling me about it via e-mail.

There are no small parts. Only small actors.
You mean like Danny DeVito?

Some kind of a comedian, are we?
Well, I don't like to brag...

BSN: "I WOULD NOT HAVE GONE TO MCDONALD'S," SAYS KERRY

2005-08-23T12:17:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON- A dramatic scene unfolded yesterday in an area McDonald's restaurant, where a group of senators and staffers had ventured for lunch. What might have been an ordinary occurrence for most turned into much more when Senator John Kerry (D-MA) accused his group of luring him there with lies and deception.

"When we discussed coming to McDonald's today, I was under the impression that I would be able to enjoy a delicious McRib sandwich," said Kerry. "So I voted to come here. But try as I may, I cannot find this item listed anywhere, and I can come to no other conclusion than that I have been lied to and manipulated. If I had known then what is clear to me now, I never would have voted to go to McDonald's in the first place."

Aides say that Senator Kerry recalled the sandwich from his earlier discussions with President Clinton. "The president would often mention the McRib during conversations," said one, on the condition of anonymity. "He liked to steer the talk to topics that interested him, so it came up a lot. He was also fond of the Jamocha milk shake from Arby's, as I recall."

"I don't know what gave Senator Kerry the idea that McDonald's still had that sandwich," said another. "He asked me about it earlier, and I told him that it was sort of a promotional thing, and I didn't know for sure if they had it right now. My buddy Chris said he'd gotten one there a while ago, but he wasn't sure when."

Complicating the issue was Kerry's lack of familiarity with the concept of McDonald's. Aides say that he had never been to one before, though he did tell them that his wife received five eighths of a cent for every packet of ketchup sold to the chain. He is also reported to have been confused by the store's back-lit hanging menu board and "how this place gets away with using the term 'restaurant'. That ought to be looked into, I think."

"At one point," commented a staffer, "he went to the bathroom and didn't return for about twenty minutes. I went in to find him and he was standing at the sink with his hands dripping, waiting for someone to hand him a towel. I felt bad for him, because he seemed very emotional over the whole thing."

Kerry suggested that the plan was masterminded by "that Bob guy from Kennedy's office. I'm told he's been discussing a trip to McDonald's for days in order to obtain something called a 'Big Mac.' I have strong doubts that he ever considered lunching anywhere else today. I believe he had made up his mind before we even began discussing it."

One witness confirmed that Kerry was outraged over the incident. "He certainly seemed angry," the patron recalled, "and I think he was yelling. His voice was definitely louder, but the tone was exactly the same, so it was kind of hard to tell."

A spokesman for McDonald's declined to comment on the incident. In related news, the company recently announced that in an effort to be more historically accurate it will begin only serving French fries to go.

NEW FEATURE

2005-08-23T12:09:00.000-04:00

I'm introducing a new feature here on The Shempy Zilla, fake news articles and editorials which I will offer under the name BSN. The 'N' stands for news, and if you can't figure out the rest of it then your brain does not function at a level allowing you to read anyway. I'm sure my astute readers can figure out a fake news article when they see one, but I figured it was best to at least point out that I'd be doing this since it's new. Stay tuned for fascinating coverage from what's sure to become your number one source for news, right behind all the other sources that currently exist or will come to be in the future.

ELEVATOR FUN

2005-08-09T17:16:00.000-04:00

On the heels of the wings of the tail of the success of Pizza Fun, I present to you another list I have cribbed from the Internet. For the record, I will be sure to note any time I do such a thing. Also, you will be able to tell because my stuff is not funny. So, without further ado, I present you with fun things to do in an elevator:

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut up!"
Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

STOMACH TURNING JAPANESE

2005-08-05T12:27:00.000-04:00

In Japan, there's been a boom in drinking fruit-flavored vinegar drinks. "I feel refreshed when I drink vinegar, especially in summer," one woman told the Japan Times. Vinegar brewer Uchibori Vinegar Inc. has seen average monthly sales at each of its six vinegar shops jump by 10 percent in the last two years. Many of the new vinegar shops offer more than 40 kinds of vinegar, made from mango, pears, raspberries, strawberries and other fruit. The vinegar should be drunk with water or milk, according to "Vinegar Sommelier" Mitsuyasu Uchibori.

Well, we always knew there was something different about our Japanese friends. Tiny cars. Vending machines offering things that should never be sold from a vending machine, if at all. Tentacle porn. But this has to be among the strangest things they've come up with yet. I'm particularly amused by the Vinegar Sommelier. "Well, sir, I would recommend a bottle of vintage '73 cherry vinegar to drink with your steak." Mmm, sounds good. It makes my eyes, I mean mouth, water just thinking about it. And who in the world decided that milk was a good beverage to enjoy alongside your vinegar? Hell, why not just mix 'em together. I'm sure that'd be tasty. By the way, plus ten points to myself for a great '80s reference title.

STUPID SPAM III

2005-07-14T12:06:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I went the entire month of June without a Stupid Spam segment. I suck. I'm sure the legions are stomping their feet and cursing my name to the gods. But I thank you all for not storming my castle with your angry multitudes. As a show of gratitude, I now present you with SS3. And unlike MLB's All-Star game, this event gets bigger each time.

Waiting for a weight miracle? A stationary bike is as close as you'll get...
Hey, thanks for the pep talk. I'm going to go kill myself now.

hodown!
Did Paris Hilton trip again?

Get $500 By Tommorrow
So, you're advocating that I become a bank robber? Can I wear a stocking on my head? I think I'm gonna go with fishnet.

Looking for protection? Why do you think they call them "safes"?
Maybe you should coordinate with that last guy. You could own both ends of the market!

Hot Average Girl showing breast
So is she hot or average? And if she's only got the one, I'm guessing neither.

Become a Construction worker!
My dream!

Love Baseball? Bet on your favorite team!
This makes me sad, because down in Florida someone is going to read this and be tricked into betting on the Devil Rays. Poor bastard. On second thought, they're probably not anybody's favorite team, so maybe we're safe.

Buy popular drugs online
Finally, I can get crack delivered right to my door.

this is fantasy land
Shoot. I was looking for "Candyland." I must have made a wrong turn somewhere.

Karaoke sex party
I'm willing to bet that there's probably a gameshow in Japan with this title. Although, it might be #1 Super Happy Karaoke Sex Party in full.

TAKE A STEP BACK

2005-06-29T09:59:00.000-04:00

Editor's Note: With all the recent graduations going on, I got to thinking about what I would say as a commencement speaker these days. I thought about life and the world and the state of things today, and I sat down and typed out this essay, which isn't what I would say at all, of course, because it isn't funny. But it is true, I think, and so I will present it to you anyway. Maybe sometime I'll give more thought to what I would really say and write something up more in line with my usual style, something a little lighter. If I do, I'll let you know, but in the meantime...

I went shopping this weekend, and as I wandered around the stores and looked at hundreds of articles of clothing, I realized I hadn't seen a single new thing. In a sense, of course, everything I had seen was new, fresh from the factory. But you wouldn't have known that by looking at it. The pants were already faded, the shirts frayed around the edges, baseball caps neatly rounded. Everything was already broken in.

I wandered around this quaint old town I was shopping in. Except it wasn't really a quaint old town, it just looked that way. And from the right distance, in the right light, it's a pretty convincing effect. But if you take a step back, you see the truth. Take a step back and you're standing in a sea of asphalt and parking spaces, just off the freeway, looking at a place so new they haven't even finished building it yet. Brand spanking new. But, of course, it looks old.

On my way out, I stopped into a three story brick building to look at a few final things. Or, I should say, I stopped into a three story building with a thin layer of material made to look like brick glued to the front. It's not even real fake brick. It is, you see, just a facade.

Inside I stopped to admire a beautiful wooden table, oak perhaps, that was serving as a display rack. But as I got closer, I saw that it wasn't really wood. Well, it was, probably, at one time, but ground up and glued back together, with some plastic painted to look like wood applied to the top. Because that's how we make tables now. Get too close, and the illusion is shattered.

Walking to my car, I glanced at the cinema marquee, displaying the names of all the new movies playing there. But they weren't new movies; they were simply remakes of old movies, and TV shows, and stories about things that happened a century ago.

You see, a funny thing happened to America. To the world, really. We all went to sleep one night, and when we woke up the next morning, we'd simply lost our way. And here we are, to this day, so busy looking for what we've lost that we don't even have time to break in our own clothes.

Every couple of years, on average, we change jobs, and we change homes, and we change careers. We stay single until we're 40, and we have affairs, and if the laws of physics would allow it, we'd get divorced more often than we get married. Because what we have isn't what we want. We want something different, something new. Except we don't. What we really want, what we need, is what we've lost. And we think that just by the law of averages, if we look in enough places, we're bound to find it. It's a good theory, from the right distance. But don't get too close.

We do what we do, mainly, because it's the easy way. In our hearts we know the truth. We know that the solution, the path to what we want, is never easy. It doesn't lie at another office, in another city, in somebody else's arms. We make old movies and old clothes and old buildings, because what we want lies in what we used to have. It lies in realizing that the solution to a problem isn't ignoring it or pretending you can leave it behind you. Do that, and you'll just have to keep leaving. The only way to fix a problem is to fight, to work at it, to keep trying until you get it right. But that's hard, and we aren't conditioned for it. We aren't sure things are worth fighting for anymore. So we throw the good out with the bad and pretend it will all be better if we just start over somewhere else. And we are left with nothing but a facade.

So if I have one piece of advice to offer you, it is this: look at your life. Think about who you are, what you have. What you used to have. Ask yourself if where you are is really where you want to be. Take a step back. And when you find something worth fighting for, or realize that you already had it... fight.

THAT'S GOTTA SUCK

2005-06-27T20:13:00.000-04:00

PIZZA FUN

2005-06-21T13:21:00.000-04:00

Ordering a pizza can be a rather bland task. Unless you live in Washington DC, where I know from experience that it can be an exercise in self-restraint and a grand opportunity to practice your spelling and pronunciation skills. If you're really lucky, you may just get to teach English to a foreigner from scratch! This might not be so bad, you think, if the person on the other end sounded even vaguely Italian. But they do not. Anyway, for the rest of the country I present to you, courtesy of eBaum's World, 75 ways to add a little spice to the process.

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. When they ask for your phone number, give them theirs and see if they notice.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
12. Stutter on the letter "p."
13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Change your accent every three seconds.
16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Imitate the order taker's voice.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
31. Ask to see a menu.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
44. Try to talk while drinking something.
45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
48. Be vague in your order.
49. Use CB lingo where applicable.
50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
59. Put them on hold.
60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
65. Haggle.
66. Order a one-inch pizza.
67. Order term life insurance.
68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
75. Order a steamed pizza.

JACKSON GETS OFF (ALSO FOUND NOT GUILTY)

2005-06-14T13:17:00.000-04:00

That's a great headline, by the way- make a note of it somewhere. By now you've probably heard that Michael Jackson was found "not guilty", which translates to "We've decided it's ok to touch children if you're famous. I mean, hell, OJ got off and we all know he did it. So we figured that was kind of a precedent." Hopefully we can all move on from this soon, but before we do I wanted to use it as a launching pad to three things. The first is that I've been wanting to post that awesome picture for a while now, and this is a great excuse to do so.

Secondly, many of you may not know this, but I am a crusader for judicial reform. Mostly I do this in the form of action, because I believe that is the best way to get your message heard. So I will get right out there and commit acts that "the man" has decided are "illegal," just to prove my point that they shouldn't be. Say for example, Public Intoxication, or Indecent Exposure, or... well, mostly those two. Frequently together. Because it's more efficient that way. But this time I have decided just to put forth my idea through words, because the pen is mightier than the sword and because my mom said she wasn't going to post my bail anymore. So you may have noticed that it's becoming more and more common these days where you hear about a court case where it's hard to decide who's really the more guilty of the two parties. Take the MJ case, for instance, between a freakish man-thing who wears pajamas to court and a money-grubbing whore-bag. In these cases I think it would be prudent to offer jurys a third option, so that we would have "guilty," "not guilty," and "Everybody Goes to Prison!" (note the exclamation point), in which everyone involved in the case on both sides goes to jail, because they are all creepy. This would include the lawyers.

And the third thing, about which you had probably forgotten at this point, is all about California. By now you have surely figured out that California is a place unlike anywhere else in the world. It is clearly some sort of freak-magnet that mystically draws all the strangest people together in one place. It is a land where courts make laws, where people show their concern for the environment by setting toxic fires at car dealerships, and where actors give advice on Africa and assault people with telephones. Our only remaining option, I believe, is to cut California off at it's border and float it out into the ocean. Scientists say that some day the fault line will crack, and this will happen anyway. You see- it's what Mother Nature wants. We're just going to lend her a hand. Most Americans already consider California to be a seperate place, anyway, like Puerto Rico but with more Latinos. We can put some electric fences up around the outside, like the kind they used in Jurassic Park, and then charge admission. It will be like going to the circus. Then we can use the proceeds to fund this awesome movie idea I have, starring Pauly Shore.

WHAT A SHOW-OFF

2005-06-13T12:01:00.000-04:00

"TAMPA, Fla. - Thomas Stefanelli should be hailed "Employee of the Year" for making 4 pizza deliveries after he was shot. Stefanelli was shot in the leg by a masked man who demanded money. While suffering the gunshot, he discovered that his cell phone wasn't working. He went to his next delivery to inform his boss about the incident. Afterward, he made three more deliveries before he was treated for his injury. The gunshot caused no serious damage to the 37-year-old's leg. Police have identified numerous suspects fitting the gunman's description."

When this story popped up in the news a couple days ago, the concensus was that this man is some sort of heroic figure. I have a somewhat different take on it, namely that he is a moron. Something tells me that this guy was one of those kids in school who would request extra homework from the teacher. These people think they are smarter than the rest of us, but clearly their actions show otherwise. It's good to see, however - as I have always suspected - that those annoying kids do indeed go on to a career delivering pizzas. And who among us, of course, would not find it appetizing to have their meal delivered by a man bleeding to death on the front porch. Yummy. On a side note, sometimes I like to call in sick to work just if I don't feel like going.

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S BBQ

2005-06-03T12:58:00.000-04:00

It's summertime again and that means barbecue. Relaxing in the great outdoors, tending a fine charcoal fire under blue skies and sunshine, listening to the cheerful musings of birds wafting by in the breeze. Or, if you live in an apartment like me, then "barbecue" means heading over to Burger King. Either way, The Onion has come along with some terrific tips to keep in mind as you prepare for barbecue season. Being that I'm so nice, I've kindly transferred them for you down below.

Marinate your ribs in bourbon before barbecuing. The best way to do this is by pouring the whiskey down your throat.
One safety tip to keep in mind while barbecuing is that you should never, ever light your house on fire.
It's important that you choose the right kind of fire for grilling meat. Class D magnesium-based fires are not the right kind of fire for grilling meat.
Whatever you do, don't shout the phrase "Johnsonville brats!" at the top of your lungs. Don't let your neighbors do that, either.
Do you have an entire set of tableware designed with a playful, summery watermelon-slice theme? Well, isn't that adorable. Let me see that spoon! Even the spoon is a little watermelon. Honey, come here and look at this spoon.
Don't forget to repeatedly baste your cooking pork in barbecue sauce, which will "mask the spoiled taste."
The endangered Cebu cinnamon tree of the Philippines is the best firewood for grilling. Use anything less, and you might as well be cooking your food on top of smoldering raccoon shit.
For optimal flavor, raise your own animals, make your own charcoal, and distill your own vinegar. For passable flavor, head on down to Smokey's Ribs & Things out by the airport.
When barbecuing veggie burgers, be sure to tie your long hair back. That will keep it away from the flames, you stupid hippie.

GOING, GOING, GON... AGAIN

2005-06-02T14:07:00.000-04:00

I'm so glad the Indians signed Juan Gonzalez so he could play that one at bat for us. I think his out was crucial in the Tribe's recent hot streak. If we're lucky, they'll be in the playoff hunt at the end of the season, and maybe Juan will be "healthy" again so he can come in to strike out one more time and cement our post-season spot.

IN THE YEAR 2000

2005-06-01T10:21:00.000-04:00

Many of you may know Conan O'Brien from his delightful late-night talk show. What you may not know is that his famous "In the Year 2000" bit is not fake, but rather the result of amazing psychic powers. Now, Mr. O'Brien has harnessed those powers to present to us mere mortals a startling vision of the future of television. Below I leave you a sample of his predictions. If this does not cause you to immediately want to read the full article, then you have no use living.

"To begin, the trend toward larger and larger televisions will continue as screens double in size every 18 months. Televisions will eventually grow so large that families will be forced to watch TV from outside their homes, peering in through the window. Random wolf attacks will make viewing more dangerous. And, just as televisions grow larger and more complicated, so will remote controls. In fact, changing channels will soon require people to literally jump from button to button. Trying to change the channel while simultaneously lowering the volume will require two people and will frequently lead to kinky sex."

STUPID SPAM II

2005-05-31T19:26:00.000-04:00

Well, here we are just in time for the second installment of the Stupid Spam franchise. I know you've all been waiting with baited breath! So sit back, relax, and close your eyes. I promise, you won't feel a thing...

haven't heard from you in a long time...
Oh, sorry. I meant to get back to you, but I've just been so busy not knowing who the hell you are.

Portable toilets...for when you have to go right now.
Is this really that urgent a need for some people? "Let's see, I've got my wallet, keys, cell phone... shoot, what did I do with my toilet? Honey, have you seen my toilet? Maybe it's under the couch..."

HOODIA - the No.1 DIET IN AMERICA! Why?
Because it's fun to say?

Jane Darling
Yes, dear?

Your chance at a 5K Scholarship.
No thanks, I'm not that into jogging.

subject
Adjective!

Your opinion is needed.
I've been trying to tell people that for a long time.

USA p(harm)acy
I'm just curious, is there some particular reason you've chosen to call attention to the word "harm"? Because I have to tell you, it does not inspire me to let you provide me with medication.

Don't you need a Vacuum?
Mom? Is that you again?

Start secret shopping today
Oh, I already do this. You see, I can't go outside without a disguise, or people will mob me looking for autographs.

SCIENTISTS LOCATE SARCASM IN THE BRAIN

2005-05-25T12:31:00.000-04:00

Israeli psychologists say one's ability to comprehend sarcasm depends upon a sequence of complex cognitive skills based in specific parts of the brain. The researchers said in order for listeners to comprehend caustic remarks, they must be able to infer the speaker's intentions in the context of the situation. That, they said, calls for sophisticated social thinking and "theory of mind," or the knowledge that everyone thinks different thoughts. For example, autistic children with a limited or missing "theory of mind," have trouble understanding irony, of which sarcasm is a form. The team -- from the University of Haifa and Rambam Medical Center in Haifa -- studied 25 participants with prefrontal-lobe damage, 16 participants with posterior-lobe damage and 17 healthy subjects for control. All participants listened to brief recorded stories, some sarcastic and some neutral, taped by actors reading in a corresponding manner. Participants with prefrontal damage were found to be impaired in comprehending sarcasm, while the other two groups had no such problem. The prefrontal group, which involved people suffering from damage in the right ventromedial area of their brain, had the most profound problems in comprehending sarcasm. The study is detailed in the May issue of Neuropsychology.

Finally, we now have indisputable scientific proof that if you don't find me funny you are brain damaged.

WHO AM I TO JUDGE, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HELL

2005-05-23T22:10:00.000-04:00

I want you to realize that you may perhaps be of a different political persuasion than I am. Or you may be of a varying religion. Perhaps you simply enjoy a different motion picture than I do or prefer some other breakfast cereal product from what I myself like. If this is true, then I can only assure you, vehemently and strenuously, that you are the most wrong any person has ever been in the entire known history of the universe.

I was not aware of this fact until recently, when I happened to be reflecting on the current state of world affairs. By that, of course, I mean that I was in the shower. Having neighbors now, I have decided that it would be inappropriate for me to belt off-key show tunes at the top of my voice, so naturally I needed some other way to pass the time in the shower. So I started to think about world affairs, and quickly realized that I had not, indeed, considered my other alternatives carefully enough. Nonetheless, during that reflecting I came to the conclusion which I have stated at the outset of this thing you are now currently reading concerning all of this, if in fact you are still reading. Chances are good that you are not.

I realize that I am behind the times in coming to this conclusion, but I just wasn't paying attention. But now I have read the newspapers and watched the various talking heads on TV and visited an Internet message board or two, and it seems that so many others seem to think this of themselves that I might as well join the party. There is no common ground between us, because I am right and you are evil incarnate.

If you like that one author who I don't care for, you must not have received any sort of formal education beyond kindergarten. Should you enjoy that TV show I think is stupid, then clearly you are not in possession of a fully developed and functioning brain, perhaps because your parents are close blood relatives. If you voted for someone else, the only suitable punishment is for you to work for the rest of your life behind the counter at the DMV. If you don't think there is a need for half the country to work at the DMV, then you have not seen the lines there. And if your soft drink of choice should vary from mine, I will hunt you down and kill you in the street like the filthy animal you are. I just thought you should know.

JASON PRIESTLY WEDS LONGTIME GIRLFRIEND

2005-05-18T12:24:00.000-04:00

Seriously, this gets a mention on the frontpage of CNN.com? Is this like, May Fool's Day or something I don't know about? Besides which, he isn't even American. He's Canadian. This is like announcing new Lemon Shasta.

WHAT YOU BLOGGIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?

2005-05-17T20:13:00.000-04:00

That's right, I'm so lazy that I've posted the announcement e-mail as an entry on the very thing it was announcing. Deal with it.

Ladies and gentleman and children of all ages... I present to you my latest endeavor. As many of you know, and some of you are completely unaware, blogging is becoming ever more popular these days. I have decided to throw my hat into the ring as well, and so I present to you The Shempy Zilla. Many people use their blog as a forum to discuss their daily lives, which you can pretty well guess I won't be doing. Instead, it will function mostly as an outlet for humorous commentary and features with an occasional editorial. Humorous is a subjective term, however, and I mean it in the sense that I will find it humorous myself, though you may not. If you are an idiot. I've posted a few things up there already to make sure you had something to read right off the bat. The posts are in chronological order, so the newest posts will appear at the top. If you scroll down to the bottom you'll find the very first post, which is a highly informative question and answer session about my blog and some totally unrelated items. At the bottom of each post is a picture of an envelope, clicking which will allow you to mail a particular post to someone else. You'll find a few instances of colored text throughout, and these are links that generally point to some related and often irreverent information. You should click these, because if you don't then you won't get to experience the joy of seeing a Christmas greeting from David Hasselhoff, and you will rightly feel humiliation at knowing this. There is also a comments link that will allow you to post your feedback for all to see. I urge you to do this, since otherwise I will assume you aren't reading and are therefore unworthy of being my friend. I can't come right out and threaten you with visits from the mafia if you don't comply, but I can write something vague which seems to imply that I know anyone in the mafia, even though I don't, which I have just done. You'll notice that many people I know haven't gotten this e-mail, mostly because I've lost their address at some point, which I have a tendency to do. Or it has changed and they haven't given me their new one, which I can only assume is an oversight and not a re-occurrence of my family moving without telling me. So do me a favor and send this along to anyone I know who isn't up there, as well as your friends and anyone else you think would enjoy it. To put this event in proper perspective, I have included a short narrative at the end of this e-mail which you may print out and insert into your Bible if you feel so inclined.

Sincerely,
Jim, Jimmy, James, The Doctor

"And the Lord said, let there be blog. And so was the Shempy Zilla. The Lord saw it, and it was good. And on the... next... day, the Lord decreed, 'Go forth and spread word of this blog, to all the creatures of the heavens and the earth, for I was up late last night and am too tired to do it myself.' And I sayethed unto the Lord, 'Perhaps if you would get to bed at a reasonable hour, this kind of thing wouldn't keep happening.' And the Lord did smite me for my insolence." Amen. The narrative has ended, you may go in peace.

MONKEY SEE, MONKEY KILL

2005-05-12T19:45:00.000-04:00

Saw this on the net today:

"The brain cells of monkeys adapt when moving robotic arms as
if they were their own appendage, Duke University Medical
Center researchers said Tuesday. Following up on a 2003
study that showed monkeys can control robotic arms using only
their brains, scientists in Durham, N.C., examined neural
data to conclude in the new research that some of those animals'
brain cells changed. "We were able to show clearly that a large
percentage of the neurons become more 'entrained' -- that is,
their firing becomes more correlated to the operation of the
robot arm than to the animal's own arm," said neurobiologist
Miguel Nicolelis."

I don't know about you, but I, for one, welcome our new robot monkey overlords.

CINCO DE NADA

2005-05-05T10:03:00.000-04:00

So today marks the date in history when a rag-tag bunch of Mexican soldiers defeated the French army. That's great and all, but is it really necessary to have a big party about it? I mean, if every country that defeated the French held an annual celebration, the world would be one year-long fiesta.

IT'S A FRUIT CAR!

2005-05-03T21:14:00.000-04:00

I was thinking the other day about the phrase "You can't compare apples and oranges," which, if you're like me, you've realized is a stupid phrase. Seriously, they're both small roundish fruits. It really doesn't get closer than that for comparison. Any more similar and you'd be comparing apples to apples, which theoretical physicists have already proven is impossible. I'm pretty sure. But the point is, we need a better phrase, so I would like to suggest literally the first thing that came to my mind when I searched for an alternative: "You can't compare apples and Cadillacs." Here you have two rather dissimilar objects, and therefore a much better saying. All I ask is that you begin using this phrase yourself immediately. And when you hear somebody using the old phrase, just correct them and act like they're an idiot for not knowing the cool new one. Is that so much?

STUPID SPAM I

2005-04-30T22:54:00.000-04:00

If you're like me, you get a lot of spam. A lot. A very good percentage more spam than you get actual mail you'd really want. I have no idea who decided at some point that a great marketing idea would be to piss off all of your potential customers by inundating them with crap they don't want, but if he still has his job then I commend his resiliency. Most of the time I just try to ignore all that spam, but the problem is that every once in a while some message I actually want gets filtered out as spam, so I have to look in there occasionally just to make sure. I've thought about not doing that, but frankly that one message could be a solid chunk of the real mail I get, so I continue to look. While I'm in there, I often find myself amused by the subject headers of the spam, so I thought it might be fun to share with you some of the best ones I've gotten recently along with my own commentary on them. Keep in mind, these are all from the last two days. I'll consider this the first installment, as clearly there will always be more spam to review later. You'll notice that I've titled this piece with a roman numeral, because I fully expect anticipation for future Stupid Spam installments to reach Super Bowl levels of excitement. If you have any great spam you'd like to contribute or comment on yourself, feel free to send it along to me and I will post it in the next edition along with a proper credit. Unless it sucks, in which case I will shame and humiliate you in public. So without further ado about nothing:

Start managing your carbs today*
Great. So now apparently everyone has heard about my unruly carbs.

Get the washer and dryer of your dreams.
Finally! As a young boy, I used to hang posters in my room of the Maytag Spinmaster 5000 with dual exhausts. I never thought this day would come...

Re: Shy Jsesica Simospn sotlen pothos
Re? I must have forgotten sending that message.

I love tou.
I love tou, yoo.

Just virrgin and have Innoccent angels from card Your dreamm
Your guess is as good as mine...

Need up to 1500 USD today? Christian cash assistance is here-->
Didn't Jesus throw the money changers out of the temple? I like the arrow at the end, though. Apparently they think that will convince me that they're actually standing off to my right.

Do your remember our school time?
No, I'm sorry "Tanisha," but I don't recall you.

The 30 Second Instant Approval Visa Card
Well, which is it?

did you get my message?
You mean this one?

Need to scan a barcode? Consider a handheld scanner for convenience and price.
Constantly. Ask my friends, I'm always looking for a way to organize my barcode collection.

uranus trip!
Sounds like fun!

Get your share of a government surplus
I'm afraid you're gonna need a time machine for that.

Find out why these virgins love sex so much!
Um... How would they know?

FREQUENTLY ANSWERED QUERIES

2005-04-27T20:54:00.000-04:00

Well, since I'm new to this, I thought I'd start off with a little FAQ to introduce everyone to what things will be like on this doodad. Here goes nothing.

What is a blog?
A blog is basically a series of posts on the “interweb.” The “blogger” may add posts as frequently as he chooses, so it really depends on the individual blogger as to how often it is updated. Here you may be thinking, “don't you mean he or she?” You would be wrong. Everyone knows most women can't read, so they can't very well write, then, can they? My female friends would probably be mad at me for pointing this out, but I feel safe since I've written it down.

What will your blog be like?
Oh, a little of this, a little of that. Nothing is off topic, really, but those of you who know me know that I generally don't talk a lot about my personal life, so don't expect too much of that. Besides, I can tell you straight up that my life is not interesting enough that you'd want to read about it. Instead I shall present my opinion on various “topics of the day,” or “topics du jour” if you will. You won't? Well, I don't blame you. At any rate, I'll just post whatever I feel like talking about at any given point, most likely laced with jokes I find funny but other people don't get. You will need to make sure you read these posts, in order to find out what your opinion should be.

Why are you starting your own blog?
I'm very bored.

Is there anything else we should know about this whole thing?
Not really.

Then why did you tell me to ask that?
Well, I didn't really think it all the way through. Sorry about that. Come to think of it, I should point out that if I can figure out the copyright implications of posting original works, I may well throw some of my short stories up here occasionally.

What are sea monkeys?
If you've ever read the back of an 80s comic book, you probably believe that sea monkeys are a sort of tiny mer-people who smile a lot and have surprisingly little shame. More recently, many people have come to believe that sea monkeys are in fact a genre of brine shrimp that survive as crystallized eggs for long periods of time. These people are idiots, and in fact both of those explanations are wrong. In truth, sea monkeys are a small alien species who landed on earth many years ago in an attempt to help us save our planet. Cruising around the universe, they picked up some of our TV signals in outer space and happened to catch a Charlton Heston movie on AMC. Believing our planet to be under attack from damn dirty apes, they rushed to our rescue. Unfortunately, due to their size, their voices were far too highly pitched for humans to hear. A small boy happened upon some on the beach one day while reading a comic book and, in a moment made for the movies, glanced from the back cover ad for sea monkeys to... the actual thing! As I said, it was a moment made for the movies, but since there weren't actually any video cameras there, you'll have to take my word for it. At any rate, the boy captured some of the creatures in a cup and soon started a successful mail order business. Recent advances in audio science have allowed us to learn that since their capture, the sea monkeys have been eager to meet David Hasselhoff.

Why is David Hasselhoff the sexiest man alive?
Alive, you say? Try ever. If only we knew. Scientists have been studying this very question for years, but have yet to come to a definite conclusion. My guess is that his manly gathering of chest hair acts in much the same way as the story of Samson.

Man, Knight Rider was totally sweet, wasn't it?
Totally.

Anyway, I really gotta get going, ok?
Sure, no problem.