MY RESOLUTIONS WILL NOT BE TELEVISED

Luckily for you, however, they will be written down. Generally, I don't do New Year's resolutions. I always figure that if you need some sort of gimmick to initiate changes in your life, then you probably won't stick with them anyway. But I've decided to go ahead and give it a try this year just for the hell of it. So here, for all to see, are my intentions for the coming year (in no particular order.)

- Learn twelve foreign languages, including at least one that involves clicking. Pig Latin doesn't count, because I've been informed that it is not a real language. Neither does regular Latin, because it's stupid.

- Practice impressions of older British women so that Julia Child doesn't sound so much like the Queen of England.

- Bring back the phrase "suck it." Also, the hula hoop.¹

- Release rap album titled I Hads Ta Do It

- Kill a man in Reno just to watch him die. Or perhaps Vegas, because what happens there stays there. Write letter of apology to his family.

- Become exceedingly wealthy.

- Develop new line of celebrity Chia Pets. Possible ideas: Tom Selleck's Mustache, Hasselhoff's Chest Hair, Carrot Top's Head

- Orchestrate coup in small country. Install self as leader.

- Invent new system of mathematics with fewer damn numbers.

- Quit exercising. Replace with pie, followed by nap.

- Stop hanging out with Lindsay and Paris so much. Put on underwear.

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¹And possibly break dancing.↩