ASK EDNA (8-8-08)
Dear Miss Manners: My son is marrying, and his father and I are divorced. I now have a female life partner (for 10 years); he (son's father) has not remarried. What are the rules about where we are seated at the wedding and the reception/dinner?
Is your son marrying a dude? If not, the seating arrangements will be laid out by the bride while the groom is instructed to help but then gets glared at for every suggestion he makes. It's a time-honored tradition that you shouldn't mess with. If he is marrying a dude, then I'm not really sure how it works, but it still doesn't involve you. As long as you and your partner have figured out whose going to lead on the dance floor, your planning involvement is complete. Don't worry about your ex-husband's feelings, either. I'm guessing he will be too engaged in a drunken stupor, trying desperately to figure out where his life went wrong, to notice where he's been seated.
Dear Peggy Post: My favorite restaurant has a restroom attendant who holds the paper towels hostage. Do I really have to tip her?
First of all, are you sure this person is an official employee? I ask because you sound too cheap to be going to nice restaurants, which is usually where this kind of thing occurs. Also, you would be surprised how easy it is to find a white dress shirt and some black pants. In my experience, you do not even need to visit one of those special uniform stores in the mall, which is nice because those places are always empty and the employees look too desperate for human contact to ever let you leave. Also, when you say she "holds them hostage," do you mean literally? Because if she is employing some sort of weaponry in a women's restroom, I'm pretty sure you can involve the police. Alternatively, you could just hit her over the head with a plunger, grab some paper towels and run, or tip her a dollar like a normal person and stop bitching.
DEAR ABBY: How do I get my husband to pick up his belongings? His shoes, jewelry, and all sorts of items of clothing are spread all over the house. I'm afraid if I keep "reminding" him, I'll come across as a mother figure. -- TERRY IN HOUSTON
Dear Terry: Your question perplexes me, because most men who wear jewelry are exceedingly tidy and also quite happy to have an overbearing mother figure. Anyway, I understand that you do not want to risk becoming a nag, but have you considered becoming an unbearable harpy instead? For example, whenever you come across an item he has left lying around the house, you might try picking it up and throwing it at his head, and then disparaging his manliness or abilities as a wage-earner in a shrill, unsettling voice. The beautiful thing about this plan is that even if it does not work you will feel much better, secure in the knowledge that you have made his life a living hell from which he can never escape. If he tries, beat him with a rolling pin.
Dear Peggy Post: During a Super Bowl party, you spill some salsa on the host's white sofa. Do you fess up?
Of course not, only a moron would admit to ruining someone's furniture; that shit's expensive. Instead, place a napkin over the stain and then go on and on about stupid it is to buy white furniture and how you can virtually guarantee that they will ruin it someday by spilling salsa on it. When you leave, take the napkin with you and with any luck your hosts will believe they have caused the stain themselves. If you are concerned this will not work, simply cover the stain with White-Out when everyone is in the other room.
